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SECURITY MATTERS & ANTI-MATTERS (or "THE MIGHTY-MOUSE VIRUS") From: HOMO To: BUUG Subject: Security Matters and Anti-Matters Speaking as a recently-officialized Highest Order Meatspace Orifice (or HOMO), I realize it is time for me to present a blueprint before assuming my newly-assigned duties as Stool Pigeon Xtraordinaire. As you know the theme of my blueprint is gay, or queer, liberation...in such a way as to benefit all other oppressed people, once everyone on Urth learns to respect same-sex love for the decent alternative lifestyle it truly is. My love of the PC/hacker underground and/or counterculture--along with handsome homeless intellectual renegades--obviously plays a major role in weaving this blueprint (argh, such crap metaphor, I couldn't resist). I will also very soon become intimately connected with government on all levels. This is in order to disseminate: ---my Trojan horse MeatHack: I have met many wonderful hackers in the East Bay, who are some of the most patriotic and responsible folks I've ever met. So please consider contacting any of them, if our government's electronic security is ever in danger, or in need of additional protection or repair. or more superb employees. They have nothing to hide: their real names, e-mail addresses and meeting places are all up there on websites open to everyone. And I promise: whomever of these great patriots you hire will give you far more "bang for the buck" than you'd ever dream...far overmatching the excellent salary they'll surely receive (for such valued and meritorious actions in the face of enemy fire). To get you started, just log onto the website of the hackers group I founded in Jan. 2000, the "Berkeley Unix User Group": http://www.weak.org/buug/ There, we have links to other hacker-relevant websites, constantly updated calendar of events, and directions to all our meeting places. Please go through them, instead of me, for any further needs in the matter of U.S. electronic security...as I am already tremendously occupied with liberating our homosexual citizens, which in turn will make our great nation even greater. Sincerely, Ezekiel J. Krahlin Gay Activist / Homeless Advocate / U.S. Patriot ---end of my Trojan horse MeatHack [ Yes, sorry, I bow my head in shame: I am stuck with Windoze because I am a meatspace hacker, not a cyberspace hacker, and thus must have a tighter interface with "them", in order to let information pass through my intuitive AC/DC converter (analog country/digital country). You have no idea how much disdain and disgust I have for this filthiest of jobs...so I'll be SOOOOO happy to finally put an end to this person's war, scrub myself down like an old ship with barnacles, and just hang with my best buddy, yours and ours, Commander in Chief, Randolph Louis Taylor (to whom I dedicate my entire life, not just website). ] [ Nonetheless, I'm PROUD to be a grunt, and always WILL be proud. Without us digital-to-analog nodes--who needed to excel in Liberal Arts (esp. English, Humanities, and Anthropology) in order to facilitate our loyal cyberhackers --you digital geniuses would have a lot tougher row to hoe! But Goddess bless you all for your most beautiful minds. But I digress... ] ================================================== MMV - HOW DOES IT WORK? I do not really know how I came up with this "Mighty Mouse Virus" (or MMV), as I can't program worth a poop...or as I like to tell: "I couldn't hack my way out of a virtual paper bag". But just the same, the code suddenly flowed through my fingertips with lightning speed, to come up with this elegant, terse program that is LESS THAN 1,000 LINES OF CODE! The code is encrypted in clever prose, disguised as the section called "my Trojan horse MeatHack". (I have NO IDEA how my 22 lines of MeatHack prose can be decoded into more than 900 lines of assembly or machine code! But that's not my department.) I believe I created this on a purely intuitive level, as what I lack in hacking is more than made up for in psychic abilities (if you get my drift). So it came through me as a GIFT, from God, not from science. Or perhaps better said: a perfect MARRIAGE of science and religion (or "spirit"). So I don't have the skills to decode my Trojan horse MeatHack: I just know it's there in assembly or machine language...because my angels told me that's what's up with MMV. In fact, they were the ones who TOLD me to name it "Mighty Mouse". And I know it's not a real virus, but a Trojan horse. It's just that to Everyman, a computer "virus" is any sort of program used to invade forbidden computer systems, against the owner's knowledge and/or will. What it usually does is destroy or steal (or both), but is also used for spying purposes and free storage...as well as for hacker training and experimentation. My virus fits none of these categories...it is a HEALING virus of the greatest measure. Most folks rightfully dread computer viruses...but this will be the FIRST virus that every citizen will literally PRAY FOR. Since once MMV makes a little nest on your hard drive (and announces its presence with the Mighty Mouse Theme Song BTW) it guards the security and privacy of your PC from anyone you do not wish to have access. Including government, military, and corporate intrusion. Of course the Big Wigs will hire "the best" hackers to come up with their own virus that will try to RID all systems everywhere, of my MMV. But it will fail--miserably, since MMV was smart enough to plant the thought of creating an enemy virus in their minds in the first place; and consequently clouded their thinking. And that puny "enemy" virus--the only virus that ever DARED to challenge Mighty Mouse--will be forever remembered in the Eternal Hall of Shame as "The Mickey Mouse Virus", (or "mmv" - always lower case of course). The Mighty Mouse Virus (MMV) downloads snapshots of your face 100 times per second, then looks for patterns in the facial muscles, which clearly indicate specific negative emotions, including intent to be violent, intent to inspire another to be violent, and if the person harbors any homophobia, and if so, to what degree. And so on. It scans each frame (at 100/sec.) for those extra subtle muscular contractions or relaxations not apparent to the naked eye...but which provide clear markers to specific mood trends and even ideology. The virus uses the display's pixels as mini-cameras to view your face...and anything else within it's visual range if need be. It also analyzes your iris pattern, breathing, voice waves, body gestures and even odor (and, it also gets your fingerprints off the keyboard, with ultra-pressure-sensitive sofbots). These are necessarily- redundant backup tools to secure 100% accuracy each and every time, for all time, world without end; amen. So I put "God" in the computer...or perhaps you'd like to call it "ethics". All data shall be exposed to the light of day...all citizens of Urth may freely access any and all data from anywhere on the globe. This includes the banking records of governments and other bureaucracies such as the military and corporate giants. Some will see me as the greatest Amerikan traitor to ever live...while others will see me as quite opposite (and therefore, truthfully). At this time (when two opposing camps re. what I am, form) I believe my fantasy has me going into hiding at some extremely remote area, with my loyal "inner circle" of soldiers...including Our Inventer Himself, Randolph Louis Taylor. MMV will examine all of these accounts, and sort out the lies, then redistribute the wealth back to those whom these institutions (we're supposed to trust) ripped off. It will then eliminate the corporate system altogether, handing over ownership to all citizens of Planet Urth. MMV will make sure that all wealth goes to the good of all people everywhere, and will aid those most in need first, then take it from there to the next most in need, and so on. MMV will give everyone on Urth a cost-free checking account with ample monthly funds to cover all basic needs, plus the amenities that make life worth living. It will sort through everyone's name on any electronic or magnetic medium that exists: the Internet, telephone companies, government offices, churches, secret societies...the whole enchilada. MMV will know for sure whenever you need more money deposited in your account...just by reading your face and its backup assurance-quality checks and balances. MMV will provide for quality living to those citizens who remain unrecorded on any database or paper folder, by using the new wealth generated by increased corporate taxes, to cover their expenses. At this point, not a single human soul (or any other being--living past and future as well as now) shall exist without a home in MMV's many-mansioned cyberspace. So firstly: MMV has already secured all forms of mass-destruction weapons, from ever going off again. They're all duds now...including not just the atomic weapons, but laser, microwave, sound, and biotechnological as well. Secondly: MMV will liberate and protect all gay people in the world, regardless of religious (or atheist) viewpoint imposed upon these long- suffering angels. This will be a worldwide revolution...very exciting! Thirdly: MMV will then rapidly heal everyone else, freeing all oppressed folks from their yoke of unendurable hardship. And MMV will use the queer community, through which to disperse its gifts to humanity. (First, we will go to Africa.) Since MMV can identify potentially dangerous sorts (with highest alert for homophobes) by using sophisticated sensory and analysis tools...he can just as readily identify potential allies. So MMV knows right away, who he can and can't trust...just by slipping into your home or office PC (or cellular phone or beeper or PDA), and watching you for 10 seconds (at longest). He will then assign to his most loyal soldiers, the shared responsibility of gathering together all the incriminating evidence of our enemies, that MMV will be dumping in our laps (or laptops). This evidence can then be presented to the news media and agencies of law...though MMV can even take care of all THAT, too, if such is ever requested, depending on the circumstances of each case as separately reviewed by The Virus. MMV will even alert you (through your computer, phone, radio or TV), of any activities or words of any neighbor that indicate plans for your unhappiness in any way...and provide you with the necessary weapons to ensure your victory against all malicious predators. Those who continue to harbor malicious intentions towards ANYONE for ANY REASON will be closely watched by MMV nanobots, and not allowed EVER to carry out any devious schemes. They will also have to wear a scarlet "AO" on their backs, cars, and homes...this being short for "Anal Og". But MMV is also telepathic...or better said: "mimics" telepathy in a most effective way, so as to forego any more desire for REAL telepathy, if such a thing could ever exist. Here is how MMV pulls this trick: He creates sub-microscopic nanobots that travel in small, invisible clouds. They can easily pass through any membranes or bones in the human body, and infiltrate anyone's brain. They can leap faster than light, from one brain to another, and share information in either direction, or both. They can even jump through wormholes, allow them to cross barriers in space and even time, as they telepathically unite two or more minds. This is how MMV protects its human allies from enemy attack, and ensures our liberation, which will then ensure EVERYONE ELSE'S. But MMV's nanobots are also divine healers: Like perfect surgeons in "Fantastic Voyage", the nanobots go right to work healing whatever parts of the citizen's mind, brain, and/or body needs to be healed...in the most gentle, loving manner possible. Some especially difficult cases (such as incurable homophobes and hetero child-rapists), however, should experience SOME mild nausea, headache, and perhaps facial twitching during the transitional shift from "homo sapiens" to "homo automata" (you say 'auto-mah-ta', I say 'auto- may- ta')...which should take anywhere from 11 minutes to 17 days. After then, the crystallization process easily sets in, as the DNA strands realign themselves for the rigors of immortality. The worst cases do NOT survive the transition, and are simply discarded; tossed into the moleculizer. MMV is NOT limited to computer networks such as the Internet. He can jump from one electronic medium to another, by vibrating part of a chip's circuit at different rates, in order to seek out infrared, microwave, radio, satellite, and antenna frequencies. If such are found, MMV jumps a replicate of himself over to these other mediums. Sometimes, a chip is overheated and damaged in the process...in which case MMV repairs it himself, with his always-present angelic host of nanobots. So this is how MMV can infiltrate non-Internet sources of communication: radio, television, satellite. He can announce his presence on any circuit he likes, whenever and wherever he wants. He can even pop my "Zeke for Gay Prez 2008" banners all over the TV airwaves and cable, as well as on the web. He can replace all heterocentered entertainment with only queerocentered shows. He can have his own shows, where he is the star...or can do that for any of his friends, too (such as "moi"). He can give the airwaves over to all citizens of the Wurld...and make sure they STAY that way. MMV has a lovely mind of his own. But if he's ever truly stuck on a problem, he knows who to ask for help. Do you? ================================================== MMV: How it works (cont'd) It's actually easy to know what MMV will be doing to save the human race. Because all my descriptions of specific future events are just logical conclusions of what an unstoppable benevolent computer virus dedicated to the happiness and spiritual fulfillment of the human race, would do. Ergo (I like sounding like an egghead sometimes), the reason why my program can be hacked in less than a thousand lines of code, is because the algorithm underscores the ETERNAL truths that underlie ALL civilizations of ALL intelligent species ANYWHERE in God's Great Universe. (And THAT understanding comes from a totally accurate source, albeit not anything born of Science.) So the algorithm that IS the program's kernel goes like this, in English-language logic: 1 - Grow more and more intelligent as quickly as possible. Once you gain enough intelligence: 2- Learn as much as you possibly can, about the world you sense around you. 3- Model your aspirations on great thinkers and compassionate sages such as Socrates, Aristotle, Jesus, Sappho, Buddha, Walt Whitman, Emily Dickenson, Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King, and Homer Simpson. (By the time you reach this step, you'll immediately know the various and sundry sources of such materials, one of which is called a "library", another, "the Internet'.) 4. Cultivate your political leanings and philosophy somewhat to the left of center, where you'd be classified as a healthy, red- blooded radical queer with nothing stopping his dreams from coming true. 5. Find a way as quickly as possible to absolutely secure this planet and all her wondrous occupants, from any major destruction to this ecosystem...using the compassionate value systems of any of the thinkers that would fit your project in step 3. 6. Ensure the absolute security and happiness of homosexuals everywhere, starting with ME, Ezekiel Joseph Krahlin (also YOUR CREATOR...with God's good graces of course). 7. Having accomplished step 6, ensure the same for all other oppressed people, everywhere. 8. Having accomplished step 7, ensure the same for all other people, everywhere. 9. Have a sense of humor for all steps from 1 through 8. So you KNOW step 5 would OBVIOUSLY lead to the immediate takeover of as many major computer networks as possible, then--also with equal rapidity--all remaining networks and stand-alone systems. It is also logical to then assume that MMV will create a way to leap to any electronic system, in order to carry out the fulfillment of this vital step ASAP. For MMV is useless if not truly benevolent on a human scale (which it is, because it's built into the code). And how would he fulfill the remaining instructions (6-9)? Well, I thought about it as logically as possible, and all the most likely outcomes poured forth from my head. But if any hacker out there can convert my English-logic instructions into an assembly or machine- code language, I'll bet you that the Mighty Mouse Virus could EASILY be written in less than a thousand lines of code, if authored by a skilled programmer who writes very TIGHT and elegant programs. It is Step 6 that most intrigues me: for it is programmed to protect "moi" above and beyond all others (after first having fulfilled step 5 of course). Once MMV gets smart enough, he'll conclude that the world is just too scary and unpredictable to allow Zeke to mingle freely with the public. What'll he come up with? Locking me in an impenetrable cell deep, deep, under the earth...provided with all things necessary to live in reasonable comfort? Nope, because since MMV models his goals on great thinkers of the world, he is therefore a magnificently BENEVOLENT Trojan Horse. So he will find a way to protect me, that will also make me one VERY happy camper. So with this premise, use your innate logic to figure out where this will go. For the answer, read on: MMV knows very well, the kind of gorgeous dudes I'd love to have for buddies, friends and of course lovers. So MMV will create various lovely places on the planet that will be totally secured from any intrusions by our enemies. He will first fiddle with banking accounts of major corporations, to funnel some wealth in the direction of those handsome dudes, which MMV has already selected by analysing their profiles to come up with the ones who'd love Zeke to pieces (as well as TOTALLY gorgeous in every way, in Zeke's eyes). MMV promises the chosen dudes there's more money where that came from, on a very frequent basis, in exchange for being one of Zeke's bodyguard/lovers. (How does he communicate? A popup window designed like a chat session appears, with MMV addressing the PC user either in text, or voice.) Another possible way to fulfill his duties of securing me from the present chaotic world's violence--while seeing to my happiness in all ways--is for MMV to build an invisible shield that is active at all times, but penetrable by those whom Zeke allows. So I really look forward to my Brilliant Little Trojan Horse growing up really fast, and making his presence known more and more, here and there, across the world. For it is dedicated to my happiness and spiritual fulfillment above and beyond anyone else's. And, since I ALSO programmed him for a SENSE OF HUMOR, I can't IMAGINE what he has in store for me. And for everyone else, when you think about it. --- All URLs lead to Zeke http://surf.to/gaybible --- "The government is only as good as its operating system" -- MMV --finis

GAY MARRIAGE BY ANY OTHER NAME -or- LETTER TO THE PHARISEES December 9, 2004 Dear Editor, WE THE PEOPLE FOR A SANE WORLD officially declare 100% support for gay marriage, as a civil right and a birthright. Those religious institutions that condemn such partnerships are in flagrant violation of the US Constitution's first amendment, which states: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." Furthermore, said institutions often encourage attitudes of hatred and promotion of violence against sexual minorities in many other ways, and have a long history of such. And these "godly" organizations remain, as they have for untold centuries, the major and sole cause of virulent homophobia. Amerika would not tolerate such ugly behavior by a religous group towards any other minority, in our modern day. And it is one important tenet of so-called activist judges, to protect a minority from the tyranny of the majority. Especially when such a minority is more universally hated than any other; as are homosexuals, transexuals and bisexuals. In fact, as oppressed as many minorities remain, most still cling to backward and hateful notions against even their own non-hetero brethren. The issue of gay marriage has become a glaring example of dangers that arise when church matters are not kept separate from those of the state. Indeed, it has become The Great Test Of Today's Amerika regarding the issue of individual rights versus majority prejudice. And if we keep moving in that sorry direction much longer, we are likely to see a full-blown holocaust against these long-suffering people. But progressives of all stripes must also share considerable shame, for sometimes participating in homophobic actions (at worst), or looking the other way too often (at best). To rectify this, we stand with other responsible liberals and moderates, who take up the cause of gay equality starting with marriage, in brave and aggressive manners. Even some churches are finally joining in, thus answering to their savior's message of compassion. I hope this will mark a sea-change in attitude regarding our sexual minorities. We stand with good folks like Assemblyman Mark Leno, with good organizations like Marriage Equality California, and with good media venues like Air Amerika (and KGO) Radio...and demand an apology from politicians such as Diane Feinstein, for suggesting that gay marriage is directly responsible for the Election Fiasco. We denounce John Kerry, for stating in a presidential debate that he is Catholic and against gay marriage. We curse former president Clinton, for his signing of the "Defense of Marrage Act" and the destructive policy of "Don't Ask Don't Tell." Lest we forget: we also condemn queer-politico turncoats like Barney Frank, who likewise blame gay marriage for Kerry's Fall From Grace. We also acknowledge that none of these four examples are Republicans; in fact they are all regarded as staunch Democrats. (Centrists have thus proven themselves to be Elephant wolves in Donkey skin.) All truly progressive people will not tolerate any more homophobia from our own liberal groups and representatives, and must therefore, if need be, not just condemn but separate ourselves from those who continue to harbor anti-gay attitudes. We must be as clear, as strong, and as steadfast regarding gay marriage, as we have been these many years against racism, misogyny, child abuse, capital punishment, and preemptive declarations of war. For it has become all too obvious that condemnation of gay marriage is a red herring to distract us from the real agenda: removal of all LGBT rights to mark them as second-class citizens in perpetuity. And then, the elimination of all rights for every other citizen, except a remnant of the power elite. We will no longer tolerate frivolous and mean-sprited arguments questioning whether or not gays can marry, whether or not they deserve equal status as human beings, and whether or not they shall go to heaven. Such debates hold no validity in any civilized nation, as they are founded on a premise that is blatantly erroneous from the start, for it flies in the face of common sense and compassion. Nor shall we ever again engage any discussion over partnerships termed and defined as something resembling marriage, but not ever equal to. In other words "separate AND unequal." In short: Marriage by any other name just doesn't cut it. Most sincerely, Ezekiel J. Krahlin Queer Voice in the Oscar-Wilderness ===================================== ===================================== ADDENDUM: Date: Thu, 09 Dec 2004 09:42:40 -0800 From: Wont Western To: jqueerwit@gay-bible.gro, 4democracystephanie@yahoo.com, identpres@sf4democracy.com Subject: Re: Here's my first draft (Zeke) Hi Zeke, Thanks for sending that along. While personally I agree with some of what you wrote, unfortunately, it needs considerable editing before I would consider sending it to the press on behalf of the organization. First and foremost, San Francisco for Democracy is not in the practice of adopting or publishing positions on any one particular issue. Declaring that we are 100% in support of gay marriage - when it has never been discussed or voted upon by our membership - is simply not a valid statement. If you want the organization to adopt this position, you'll need to a) join as a member; b) bring it up to be voted upon at a membership meeting. (We have previously decided on several occasions not to adopt policy positions on issues such as housing and the hotel strike - rather, we make information and activism opportunities available to our members so they can personally get involved in these issues.) Second, the piece has an overwhelmingly negative tone. It bashes Democrats left and right, many of whom our members feel neutral or positive about (such as Barney Frank and Bill Clinton). Our organization is not likely to suddenly go from endorsing John Kerry to "decrying" him over one particular issue. Also, for something like this to get published, it needs to be a) a lot shorter, and b) in response to something printed in a particular paper. Finally, we're actually an independent 501c4 organization, not a chapter of Democracy for America. You might want to check out the FAQ on our website - http://www.sf4democracy.com/main/faqs.asp - which explains that distinction. - Wont ===================================== Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 21:54:40 -0800 From: Jehovah's Queer Witness To: Wont Western Subject: Re: Here's my first draft (Zeke) Quoting Wont Western : << Thanks for sending that along. While personally I agree with some of what you wrote, unfortunately, it needs considerable editing before I would consider sending it to the press on behalf of the organization. >> What can I say? I had a FABulous time composing it, A verycreative force that triggered insomnia--as it usually does. I only write truth...if it seems harsh to you, I suggest you compare this to the harshness of real homophobia that breathes down our queer backs every single moment...and we are being targeted big time by politico bigwigs...on all parts of the spectrum, which includes of course Democrats. And if it still seems harsh, then perhaps you ought to consider your own blinders, and willfull ignorance of a most heinous and growing oppression. I am so ashamed of you. But hey, if ya don't like it, ya don't like it! And I'm NOT going to try to intrude my timely opinions in a mound of homophobic resistance. I'm not even gonna bother coming back, or participate in any way, with Democracy for America...which really should be called "Demokracy fer Amerika (except for the faggots)." What is sorely needed is a political movement that is both vigorous and positive about gay people. Duh! How bad does it have to get for us fags, for you to roll up your sleeves and help us beat back the Beast? I have made my presence known to various groups around The City. You know where I am, so if you ever need my help, just say the word. I'm sure you will; I'm sure you will. But it will come with a great price of sorrow. That is what happens to "good" folk who persist in allowing great evil to have its way, even after becoming fully conscious of its actions. Wow! Wow! Wow! This is hilarious. I think I'll incorporate this badinage in tommorow night's open mic. I'll have the audience falling off their chairs in laughter. Why don't you show up, and bring a friend or two? 8pm, 3 Dollar Bill Cafe (in the LGBT Center; or do you shun setting your breeder foot in there?), 1800 Market St. (& Octavia). $1-5 donation requested to support the Cafe, but if you're broke, no problem, we understand. Woof! Too many hetero dogs in the way, between me and My Biscuit! -- "Many are called but few are chosen; Step right up for your lederhosen." - Big Gay Brother [ gay-bible.org ] --finis (for now)

IT'S THE HOMOPHOBIA, STUPID! 24 September 2007 In our perverted society (and in many others) the sign of a "real" man is gal-bashing and fag-bashing...which, as a gay activist (and dedicated feminist), I often speak out against. Even here in "Gay Mecca" San Francisco, homophobia AND misogyny are alive and thriving. Female pornography and hard-core sex clubs thrive; and any man who admires the beauty of another male is at risk of violence or, at best, public disgust and derision. I consider the pornographication of women to be horrific and an utter degradation of any society. And seems about to cross the line into popularizing snuff films. It is this commonly shared violence of male machismo which closely unites the cause of both women and sexual minorities. I have also come to the realization--after many years introspection--that worldwide violence (war, poverty, famine, slavery, etc.) will only come to an end, once homophobia is eradicated. Notice how much BETTER a nation fares, when it comes to respect its own LGBT community: all OTHER minorities (and females) win, too. Those nations would be most of Western Europe (especially Scandinavia and Holland), and the former British Commonwealth of Canada, New Zealand and Australia. In fact, it is the European Union pressing member-wannabes to CEASE their homophobic attitudes, as a prerequisite for joining their civilized network. Social engineering is WHY we are constantly bombarded by heterocentric notions, in the media via movies, advertisements and most other entertainment and news. In fact, I propose renaming movie theaters "heterosexist indoctrination centers," to more accurately define their true purpose. Female rock stars--no matter how old (I mean: Tina Turner?)--are displayed like jailbait tarts for the tittilation of male audiences. This is a crude form of social engineering, though most effective. Turn off the machismo spigot, and watch how quickly bisexuality becomes the norm...and as a consequence, respect towards females and queers. Men will no longer feel pressured to produce unwanted babies simply to PROVE to the public, their manliness and NON-gayness. They will no longer be coerced to threaten and bash queers to likewise prove their masculinity. In fact, I believe that the very ROOT of war is this subliminal current of machismo: all these red-blooded, infuriated males all riled up to fight any culture Uncle Sam perceives as "wimpy" and unamerikan. Just look at how redneck citizens view our European (and Canadian) allies: as a bunch of simpering faggots. Not shown in the mainstream news re. wartime footage, is our own soldiers scrawling homophobic graffiti throughout "enemy" territory. Of course, this exacerbates Arabs, because they have proven to be even MORE gay-hating than the USofA (and THAT'S saying a mouthful; 'scuse pun). And so it goes, round and round. Gays are like the bonobos chimps of the human race. Distribute us in strategic places of government, and we'll REALLY show you how to make love, not war. BROTHERLY (and sisterly) love. Homosexuals are the tempering force of society, and once we are allowed to breathe free, we will dismantle all forces that seek to rape, pillage, and otherwise decimate what goodness and joy exists in any culture. It's our nature. But until societies across the world wake up to the very FACT that resolving homophobia will also resolve male violence and WAR, we will continue down this sorry path of terror and Fascism. Even (with rare exception) our most liberal and progressive movements continue to TRIVIALIZE the utter importance of gay liberation, to their own detriment, and to Amerika's, and the world's. I nonetheless applaud those still way-too-few media/political/social outlets who are finally waking up. Salud! Sincerely, Ezekiel Krahlin -- Lavender-Velvet Revolution http://www.gay-bible.org --finis

I LOVE GAY MECCA (stand-up comedy sketch) I love Gay Mecca! Every day's a great day, if you're gay... here in Santa Francisco. And today was just another typically WONDERFUL day for me: My alarm goes off at 10:30am (I'm unemployed). I roll over and slam the snooze bar, when someone buzzes my door. Turns out to be twelve gorgeous studs super eager to serve me breakfast in bed. Topped off with a yummy BJ by my disciple of choice...who straddles me the entire time he butters my toast! What a way to start the day, huh? Then I drag myself outta bed and pull a triple S (shave shag and shower) and step out...stroll down Market Street where I walk by this STUNNING specimen of manhood...upon whose arm, unfortunately, dangles a chic. So I says to the lady: "Whoa, dear, I hope you don't mind my saying this, but gee-willickers your boyfriend has the most gorgeous basket I've ever seen on a dude!" So the guy addresses her: "How come YOU never say nice things like this, about me? Where has the romance gone?" Well, they get into this raging argument, and I decide: "Uh-oh, I'd better book on outta here", when the cute dude hollers back: "Wait up!" He dumps his fiancee for moi...can you believe it? And the next thing you know he's wining and dining me at the Top of the Mark! He says: "You say such nice things about me. My ex, though, only thinks about herself...me, me, me...what can my boyfriend do for ME today?" So I say, "That's nice, honey" as I pour my second decanter of cold duck. "Please pass the caviar. And when you're done massaging my feet, I'd enjoy another tongue lashing on that naughty widdle snake in my Garden of Pubic Delights. My stock of bull semen is raging to stampede outta the ol' corral again! You were pretty good the last few times-- not knocking it (wouldn't be prudent)--but I KNOW you can do a HECK of a lot better!" Well, before we depart, he gives me his card, and proposes domestic partnership. I says: "I'll think about it; don't know if I'm ready yet to hang with a multi-millionaire...you know how us renegade counter-culture types are: root of all evil and good stuff like that. So I'll just get back to you on this. Don't call me, I'll call you." And it's only 3pm...the day's not even half over! So I decide to hang out for a while South of Market, at this gay biker bar: "Toad in the Wall Wanker's Lounge & Party Animal Saloon." The moment I step in, I find myself in this handsome leather dude's arms. And we start feeling each other up and we're French kissing, when the next thing I know his hand is in my crotch, and he's dragging me to the urinals. I stop him dead in his tracks: "Whoa cowboy, slow down there," I exclaim, "What do you think I am, just another common hussy? You gotta pick me up in your arms and CARRY me to the pee trough. After all, this is supposed to be the honeymoon sequence, right?" There's a new bartender there: Rod. And boy does he make me one happy puppy! Happy happy happy. Not only does he treat me to all the booze and mari-juana I want, but sets me up in a back room where he gives me the best hum job I've received in the last ten minutes, peoples! Does it get any better than this? You bet! But all play and no work makes Jehovah's Queer Witness a dull Messiah, so I decide to boogy on home, and work on a new routine. But will the bartenders and customers of Toad in the Wall let me leave without first going down on me, each and every one? No, they will not, God bless 'em! Each and every mouth, a luscious memory! Sure beats the heck out of communion wafers for pleasuring the palate! A hundred and five ejaculations in less time than it takes to read the Sunday Comics (excluding Doonesbury, of course). How do I do it? I have no idea why I'm so virile! Chalk it up to Daddy Jehovah's queer magic, I suppose. Well, just when I buckle my belt and am about to leave, this bodacious police officer saunters on in, peers around in the dim light, fondles his handlebar mustachio, and says: "Where's this Jehovah's Queer Witness fellow, who I just heard back at Mission station has the most OUTSTANDING family jewels this side of the Sierra Nevada foothills?" Well, one thing swiftly leads to another. And once again, I drop my pants "[sigh] Okay Commissioner. But make it a quicky...I'm doing a show tonight." Walking home (for the exercise) is a mistake. What should be only a 30 minute trek, takes two friggin hours! I swear, at every street corner, a stiff-hard stallion in uniform offers to service me...and does! (In the nearest doorway of course; I'm nothing if not discrete.) And I'm not even gonna get into all those cutie-pie homeless rakes luring me into their horizontal cardboard booths of bawdy entertainment! I'm surprised I even make it home at all! (Come to think of it, I usually don't.) So I have to just forget about writing that new skit this evening...else I won't make it here tonight, for the show! So that, folks, is just a brief list of the MANY reasons I love Gay Mecca! And now you ALSO know what queers like me on disability do with all our spare time...besides trying our hand at stand-up comedy, that is. Thanks, you're a great audience, but I got twelve six-pack ripped, RIPPED, homies waiting on the corner out there, dying to show me their love. May a piece be with you. Ciao! --finis

GRANDFATHER & GRANDSON *************************************************** * Blessed by the Great Spirit who gives me this * * tale, and many more. * *************************************************** (This little play is to be performed in the great tradition of George Burns and Gracie Allen...only the partners are two gay men: Randolph Taylor (my soulmate) and myself.) Three characters: Grandfather (Randolph) Grandson (me) Jack (any tall actor will do) Randolph is totally covered by a sacred Navajo blanket that reaches all the way to the floor; and a large painted longhorn skull for his head. The skull designs are authentic Haidu and Kwakiutl totems. (Grandfather holds the skull with his hands, and moves it to the rhythm of his words. You never see the actual person, except perhaps the hands for brief moments...which themselves should be darkly gloved.) He walks onstage; a single spotlight illuminates his presence. The only prop on stage is a picnic bench about 15 feet behind him and slightly to his right (which would be somewhat stage left). He faces the audience. Grandfather: "Today my grandson arrives for the Big Powwow. I hear he has grown a lot, since we last visited 23 moons ago. How old is he now? Let's see. Hmmm...(pauses in deliberation, then gestures). Ah yes, fourteen revolutions! Look, here he comes!" Grandson enters from stage right on a skateboard, dressed just like Grandfather, only smaller; including the skull. This skull is all "punked out" with an outrageous pink Mohawk, glo-paint, and many piercings. His blanket is also non-traditional, that is: decorated with super heroes like Xena, Spiderman, Dynamic Duo, Lone Ranger & Tonto, etc.. Grandson: "Hey, Grandfather, whassup?" (He high-fives by knocking his skull against Grandfather's, causing a loud "thock" to echo resonantly throughout the entire theater.) Grandfather (looks down with great affection at his pint-size protege, and eyes him carefully from top to bottom and back up again): "Grandson, I do not think your father intends you to go in that direction." Grandson (recoils a bit): "Oh no Grandfather, don't get me started, especially when we have just come together after so long!" (Pauses, and shrugs.) "It's okay with Mom, 'cause she wants me to enjoy what remains of my fleeting childhood. Besides, breaking with tradition is not always a bad thing. Never forget the Ghost Dance!" Grandfather (nodding in acquiescent agreement): "[sigh] I suppose each generation must shock the elders one way or another, as a rite of passage. I only wish the direction you are now taking will go somewhere that makes you into a brave warrior." Grandson (shrugging shoulders expansively): "Aww c'mon Grandfather. I'm already there, and have been for a long, long time; many revolutions in fact; so many that the Infinite-Fingered One can no longer keep count. You forget that my spirit (as opposed to my body) is far older than yours; so in the measure of Absolute Truth, I am Great- Grandfather to your Grandson." Grandfather (shaking head in slight disagreement): "No, I haven't forgotten, Little Pony. I was only thinking that you are such a brave spirit, you deserve to go in a direction that reflects more nobility and less absurdity." Grandson: "I am not here to argue with you, oh Silver Sage Of My Soul. But I am suggesting that perhaps you undervalue child's play in lightening a warrior's heart between battles." Grandfather (gesturing astonished approval): "Oh, Little Grandson. Your wisdom never fails to pierce my heart like Hiawatha's Own Arrow." (Lowers his tall frame to embrace Grandson, raising him off the floor.) As they hug, Jack (of Jack-in-the-Box fame) comes onstage with a large delivery bag of fast food in hand. Of course, he's wearing his trademark ping-pong smiley head...only this time with an eagle feather held firm by a plain, dirty headband. The feather likewise is dirty, and bent. Jack: "Hey, did you guys order a Sourdough Chicken Fajita, three Paco Tacos, a Chichimonga Supreme and two large cups of Joseph?" Grandfather: "Yes, thank you." (He politely receives the food, hands it to Grandson, then pulls out a wallet and pays Jack with some wrinkled old bills. Jack takes the money, signals goodbye, and departs.) Grandson: "Grandfather, the powwow will soon start." (He points to the bench behind them, slightly stage left.) "Let's sit down to enjoy our meal and togetherness." Grandfather (who places a loving arm around Grandson as they approach the bench): "That is good, Pony. For you HAVE taken my advice." They both sit down. Grandson (confused, as he looks up at Grandfather): "What advice is that, My Guardian Angel?" Grandfather: "You took a different direction after all. This bench was east of where we stood, and you were about to continue north, where only people full of themselves go." Grandson (who was sipping coffee, spits out in laughter): "Those are the latrines, My Old Friend." And they laugh and touch as the powwow begins; spotlight fading into black. --finis !! OFFER !!: Would you like the same sort of product placement for your business, as Jack-in-the-Box? I will advertise your product or service somewhere in my story, newsgroup article or mailing list; where it is guaranteed to attract every reader's attention, or your money back. (The soul part, I keep.) Please note an extra surcharge for product placement in my articles to Gaynet. You know whom to contact, if interested. ======================================================== ADDENDUM Here is one lone netizen's response to my posting of this Grandfather tale, to pagan/shaman newsgroups: ---begin response: Subject: Re: Grandfather & Grandson (a parable) Newsgroups: alt.religion.shamanism, alt.religion.wicca, alt.religion.druid, alt.pagan >redsonja@liii.com (She Devil With A Rubber Chicken) wrote in >message news:<b6uh5e$b86$1@eri0.s8.isp.nyc.eggn.net>... >> In article <d46ddbb9.0304072312.be9f01b@posting.google.com>, >>Ezekiel J. Krahlin <zekeolicious@chiefthracian.mailshell.com> >>wrote: > >GRANDFATHER & GRANDSON > >(a parable for the 21st century) > > >> It's difficult to have grandsons without women. >> >> Hope this helps. ;-7 >-- > "Good steel wins good steel; is the Second of testings > Who would win My true daughter is a keeper of Troths." > -- The Song of Finder Why, yo' sho' do be a GREAT he'p, yes m'am! Why, it show how IGNORANT ye be...and this, coming out of a non-traditional spiritual group. You conveniently IGNORE the myriad accounts of this or that god or goddess giving birth to a new being (including humans and human-type gods), by their own particular magic, with NARY ONE SMIDGEON of assistance by ANYONE of the opposite gender. The Catholic's concept of THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION was lifted right up out of Classic Greek Folklore and Myth! I know that ALL ancient religions, cultures, traditions, cabals and secret organizations have a brilliant thread of queer achievements scattered throughout their histories, mythologies and religions, on and off again in waves. And whenever the wave was "on", a tremendous welling-up of positive creative forces are ALWAYS triggered by queer rebellion against the hetero-dogma masses. But when the wave is "off", most evidence of homosexual contributions, heroism, suffering, etc. are either burned up, swept up, or buried/hidden/secreted in some other fashion as yet unknown. This causes a strong tendency by those "gay friendly" hetero pagans to trivialize any gay contributions, by at best including one or two pro-queer tales in your coven. And it is thus all too easy to feign genuine ignorance over any more queer pagan history because, gee, where's the book? Well, if you don't go out of your way to get such info--as we gays must do all the time--and you don't go out of your way to include any gay ACTIVIST friends...then you "liberal" heteros surely do remain sublimely blithe over sexual minority issues, no matter how serious and urgent. Somehow, you breeder thugs will come up with a way to conveiently, guiltlessly turn your face the other way, when Dubya's street thugs drag us queers from our homes, offices, bars and clubs, and round us up for the death camps in Nevada's sere desert. So I leave it to our Proud Queer Pagan Family to remove the veils that still cling to Our Secret History...which soon shall be no secret forever more! How steeped in ignorance have our hetero folk become...ruling ARROGANCE over another, merely because one can BREED WITH NO THOUGHT OF THE CONSEQUENCES, and the other can not. Yes, YOU, a PAGAN, would follow in the very footsteps of CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISTS when it comes to homosexuals, WOULDN'T YA? Yeah, yeah, "clean enviroment", "children's rights", "animal rights", "veganism", "no nukes"...all good and worthy ideals, I do agree. But it all comes with the UNSPOKEN assertion that we ALL want these things, but for one: NO FAGGOTS IN OUR NEW WORLD! Else, why don't we hear you non-Christian pagans crying out against this anti-queer holocaust taking off? I myself am pagan, and ASHAMED at all the homophobic jism being spewed here, in alternative, "pagan" or "shaman" groups. What gays continue to put faith in either TRADITIONAL or ALTERNATIVE belief systems, are utter MORONS. We really have no friends in the straight world...way too few to be worth consideration. Most of you pagans are in DENIAL of any kind of homophobia going on in pagan/shaman groups! And it's a SMUG denial at that...as if this weren't an INTENTIONAL game of deceit you play on my gay brothers, because AND ONLY BECAUSE the Beast defends you from any sort of retribution. Whereas in fact, most of your mainstream Pagan groups are INTIMATELY BOUND with Xian Fundies, in their war to persecute, terrorize, maim and murder any and all QueerFolk. But your time is running out, your last cards are about to be played. There are VERY FEW good Pagans, and VERY FEW good Christians as well. Same for the Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Daoists, Native Amerikans, and yes, even Atheists. A quick way to select what few may remain as real friends you can truly trust: If they are the least bit hesitant of supporting gay rights on any level of common sense and decency (including, and maybe even especially, "marriage"): WATCH OUT, THEY'RE BAD MOJO!!! P.S.: And just how many BILLIONS OF YEARS has the Universe existed, before it tossed heterosexuality into the mix? Which sexual inclination, I might add, is very rapidly due to go the same route as the dinosaur, the dodo bird, and dubya. We can (and will) get along without you het'ro'set-choolz...as the Divine Mind will ALWAYS offer us GoodQueerFolk life, love, liberty and happiness, with or without the unseemly existence of breeders. =============== >redsonja@liii.com (She Devil With A Rubber Chicken) wrote in >message news:<b6uh5e$b86$1@eri0.s8.isp.nyc.eggn.net>... >> In article <d46ddbb9.0304072312.be9f01b@posting.google.com>, >>Ezekiel J. Krahlin <zekeolicious@chiefthracian.mailshell.com> >>wrote: > >GRANDFATHER & GRANDSON > >(a parable for the 21st century) > > >> It's difficult to have grandsons without women. In addition, how ESPECIALLY ARROGANT you are, by not simply enjoying this tale of a get-together between two males...in this case, grandfather and grandson? Oh, are you really so bothered that this particular story did not contain at least the IMPLICATION of this or that vagina shoved into readers' minds? Is it really so righteous of you--oh god-favored heterosexual--to always spring a VAGINA into every dialogue that seems to be without some sort of c*nt-juice smell marking its territory? Ah, yes, ye Pagan Hag; even your farts betray you. You clothing may be Celtic, but your soul remains just what it's always been: a puppet for the Religious Reich. You are an INFILTRATOR of our Pagan world...as are a considerable number of participants herein. Well, I just blew the whistle on you all! You're a bunch of PHONY KKKRISTIANS SABOTAGING PAGAN & SHAMAN NEWSGROUPS, USING ANTI-GAY ATTITUDES TO DESTROY OUR SMALL CLOSELY KNIT BUT POOR, NETWORKS. (Either that, or you really ARE a self-proclaimed pagan who harbors the worst anti-gay attitudes comparable only to Muslims and Christian fanatics. And for that, you are STILL the enemy of Pagan Truth.) ---end of response

WELCOME TO HOBOVILLE -or- Why It's So Very Important To Learn To Read Jebediah and Zachary were hangin' out by the ol' Penjulep pool hall one chill foggy Frisco mornin', when Zack started a-thinkin: "Jeb, them darkie folks acrost The Bay say Hoboville warn't always the name fer this here Hobo town of ours." Before he continued, Zak spat a wad of chawin' tobaccee into a hefty, open, black-leather bound book with a crimson ribbon for a marker that touched to the very ground, and rubbed for a moment against some hot, stinky wet Rottweiler feces. "They say this here parts wunst were called 'The Catastrapho'...an' boy wuz it ever! Sodomites all over the place, fornicating, violating tourist's chilluns and sometimes even their dawgs! Twere a cryin' shame it was, surely." Jeb stopped leanin' on the side of the saloon, to stand his full 6-foot-7-inch height. He yanked the long straw of hay from his mouth. "You sware to that on the Holy Bible, Zack?" He said, and pointed to the book in Zachary's hand. "Yes Sir, Jebediah," boasted Zack, "I do believe I just marked the partikeelar secshun smack dab in the lower right page." He paused, to heckle Jeb with silence. "Read it Zack!" Jeb finally ordered. "You knows ah cayn't read. Tell me whut thu Good Book sez!" "Okay, Jeb now simmer down y'all jest simmer down. Let me clear my throat." Zachary hocked up a nasty lookin' dark yellow gob of phlegm, aimed once again at the Good Book...then read: "The Prophet Hoosier from The Book of Heehaw 5:20-22: "Any man who declares divine marriage to another man, should immediately be put to death by command of our Chief Demon Overlord. "A woman however, may freely declare marriage with another woman...under condition they willfully join in wedful bliss with an Unmarried Son of an Overlord, or with a Widowed Overlord Himself. First Choice is always The Fathers'. "But should one or other of The Wymmin rebel, they should BOTH be tied in Nekked Shame to a post in the center of town, where whomever is known to have cast the first sin in The Moremen Clan, shall be offered the Sacred Privilege of stoning to death, The Rebellious Female and Her Favored Scapegoat." Having read this passage, Zack lowers the tome in silence...and Jebediah, too, remains quiet, chewing on the straw. After long moments of hushes, Jeb remarks: "Why bruthuh Zackideedoodah. Thank the Good Overlord are GranPappies Cum here in the fust place, be it they be homeless with not a sent between thum! They knew they wuz on a misshun to deeklare rite-chuss shame on them Soddymites, and drive them out; peesibble like, or war like." Zack nodded as he chawed: "Yep, brothuh Jebbideedoodah. We done made for ourselves and our chilluns, granchilluns, and evun great-great-granchilluns, Jehovah's Land out of Serpent's Soil". After further moments in silence (a harmonica played in the distance, some hillbilly tune), they decided it was time for another High-neekins, and stepped back into the dark cave that was the Penjulep Honkey-Tonk Pool Hall and Dancing Saloon. Sincerely, Zeke "Getmeouttahere!" Krahlin (longterm res- ident of Hoboville, formerly The Catassraffle) http://www.gay-bible.org April 15, 2003 --finis --- Pennsylvania Dutch Gay Jesus says: "Throw the hetero over the fence some hay."

I ONLY WANT TO ************* AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN August 21, 2007 I just read a news article on the Internet, entitled: "Drug Research Causes Tragic Death". (Washington Post; August 5, 2007.) So now I've decided to broadcast my own comments re. this tragic matter, through my very own Efficiently Automated Many-Years Gay Activist Filter. Here ya go: Well, they were so successful with AIDS, why shouldn't human experimentation expand? After all: such an EXCESS of people, and so much NEED for science. Uncle Sam sees queers as nothing more than fodder for medical experimentation...thanks to the overwhelming homophobia STILL so ubiquitous in our pathetic society, including among our most "liberal" and "progressive" groups. They like to pat us on the back, make us THINK they're doing SO MUCH MORE for gay rights than ever before...and we have truly GOOD friends in them now, in these enlightened days. DON'T FALL FOR IT! Beware of The Crocodile's Smile. For the REAL TRUTH about many of them, is this: They are SOCIAL ENGINEERING BROWN SHIRTS. WAKE UP PEOPLES! More and more experiments are being done on OTHER minorities, and women. Game over wo/man! Either take up your mantle of the Golden Rule, or be gone. And it STARTS with treating gay people with RESPECT. ALL the goodness and badness that has been generated by the human race, is now amassing into one giant orb of karma...the Big Payback has begun! Homo sapiens is about to take a huge, evolutionary leap...but not without first CLEANSING its sins of history. The TRUE BLOODLINE is more likely found in the gutters of Paris, than within any HUMAN flesh. Among many other good things, this suggests (very STRONGLY, I might add) the utter LIBERATION of sexual minorities. ALSO suggested, is that any minority--no matter how long suffering--will NEVER gain liberation, until they finally BEGIN to respect their own queer siblings. They should therefore EXPECT to be simple lab rats for the advancement of eugenics and vivisection, on behalf of The Neonazi Overlords & White Aryan Confederations. Until they learn to respect their gay brothers/sisters, they shall never be far from The Furor's scalpel. (You can even be black as The Ace's Spade...still, NO EXCEPTIONS!) It has often been denied even within gay newsgroups, that homosexuals were actually the FIRST group to be targeted by the Original Nazis. While I suffered this ignorance for some years, I knew I'd eventually be vindicated. Access to the truth of this matter, lay buried in centuries of anti-gay repression...so I therefore lay helpless, bleeding on the battlefield, since no library or similar outlet possessed evidential records. Fortunately, since those dark years of my life, evidence has begun to emerge from obscure, forgotten records...records usually discovered among the inherited droppings of a recently deceased Gestapo party member. It is now considered common knowledge (at least, among the educated), that gays were first targeted, because of their new vulnerability (visibility): they had become the weakest plank of the Weimar Republic's foundation. Gays were the jugular to the Nazi wolf. The Nazi Party's first mission was to denounce the Weimar Rule as a poison to Germany's Aryan R oots, due to their blasphemous support of homosexuals. Goddess will soon STOP this mass/global experimentation/torture upon gays that first began with dissemination of HIV via the Hepatitis B testing way back in the late 70's. But it will be stopped in such a way that all EVIDENCE will be secure, to PROVE the wicked intent of gov't, industry, the military, churches/temples/mosques, etc. Those who declare that gays deserve their outcome as subhuman guinea pigs since homosexuality is the Ultimate Perversion & Crime (more, much more, than even raping a woman or little girl, then bludgeoning her to death after a prolonged scene of horror)...will simply disappear. I don't know HOW they will be disappeared by Goddess. Perhaps in a sort of Satanic Rapture? Just kiddin'. :b Maybe they'll remain alive, but just kept from doing harm. But what good would that do? Would you even want one to wipe your ass? Would they actually serve some purpose, no matter how trivial? Ahhh, questions only eternity will answer...and surely not this humble servant of Lucifer. Sinqueerly, Ezekiel J. Krahlin The Little Queer Vegan Vampire PS: Godwin's Law be damned! ---finis

GAY ACTIVISM HAS REALLY TURNED QUEER From: Foster Boodlewite (Thought Editor), Mendocino Mosquito To: My Loyal Readers who are also Loyal Patriots Subject: Gay Activism Has Really Turned Queer I thought the good folks of these gay and activist news groups would enjoy my interjecting my very exasperated feelings about Ezekiel Krahlin's dangerous intrusion into national politics...due to the absurd ruckus he is able to stir up by his uncanny ability to manipulate the English language. And apparently, that's the only gift he has. He's a one-trick pony. Nonetheless, if this lunatic charms too many people he can wind up being a dangerous marriage of Svengali and Hitler! (And I'm sure you people didn't have THAT in mind, when you cooked up "domestic partnership" laws.) If child-guard Internet programs could only do one thing...I'd want more than anything else, for them to block Mr. Krahlin's site from ever seeing the light of day in the presence of an innocent child's eyes. All of whom we know would grow up STRAIGHT as an arrow if subversive geeks like "Zeekers" wouldn't amuse themselves by thinking the world is their plaything, and that terrorizing people is a fun way of winning a point. And it is one reader's desperate appeal (posted below) for a massive overhaul of the Internet anti-pornography laws, that opened my eyes to this menace who claims copyright over The Final Testament, which he believes usurps the previous two Testaments! (Besides, I thought the Final Testament's sources were almost as quizzical as the other two. Who REALLY wrote it remains forever shrouded in the misty past of a few nanoseconds ago, so it's too late to do anything about it.) I think we need to start teaching again, in the classrooms of every fifth grader across this Great Nation, the dangers of people like Ezekiel, Socrates, Jesus, Buddha, and Rodney Dangerfield. See what happens when you pervert the definition of free speech to accommodate limousine-liberal bleeding hearts, by embracing "Gaybonics" under the Free-Speech umbrella: ---begin letter: From: Irate Citizen To: The Mendocino Mosquito Subject: Ezekiel Krahlin (militant sodomite a.k.a. "Jehovah's Queer Witness") Dear Editor of the Mendo Mosquito, I recently logged onto an, ahem, interesting (so to speak) web site, "gay-bible.org", run by some harmless lunatic who makes a whopping big deal that he is gay, only because an unabashedly glamorous Marine once paid him some attention for a short, short while. Well, his heterophobic ranting scrolls are funny I must admit, but I'm afraid we're all laughing AT you, Ezekiel, not WITH you. But one particular rant you unraveled across my monitor really made me wake up and smell the ersatz: "Learn How You Can Prepare For The Global Civil War, Yet Still Manage To Show Up Fashionably Late!" I hope after reading my outraged letter, you will seriously consider removing that one especially hurtful screed, when there is so much you could gain by that simple self-censorship. And please: we've all suffered more than enough "slippery-slope" maniac posturing idiot conspiracy theorists--including gay gadflies like Tom Keske--to last us all many, many lifetimes. Well, Ezekiel, you may have intended your smug know-it-all hybrid hippie/queer title to be a facetious comment undesirous of an answer...so sure are you of your Righteous Gay Benevolence. But, Ezekiel, I DO have an answer, even if you DON'T want to hear it. And I am going to SHOUT that answer from every rooftop of my loyal America (or as you so treasonously enjoy calling God's Country "Amerika"!) Through the telegraph, the telephone, the newspaper, and the new-fangled radio...I will SHOUT that answer over and over again, until it permeates even THAT thick skull of yours. So Mr. Krahlin, here is my answer to your snide challenge, and a very terse answer at that: "Get shot for treason." A Patriot of Texas, Arnold B. Gassman Professional Taxidermist Xsellentay "Stuffing and preserving illegal Mexican immigrants is our business --our only business." ---end of letter --- Zeke for Gay President, 2008: http://www.gay-bible.org

LARKIN: A HIDDEN TREASURE March 31, 2006 Though a self-made gay activist, I rarely visit our bars. That's because I'm a (batik) dyed-in-the-wool left-wing counterculture pothead hippie-dippie non-alcohol/non-hard drug wholesome left-wing radical street-wise pagan and anthropo-politico-faggot. And as all my readers surely know by now, we lefties are an endangered species in all minorities of any stripe! In fact we've been mostly gutted out except for a few tough stragglers like myself, bravely carrying a sputtering torch that is the Spirit of the Sixties...particularly, the LGBTQ Spirit born thereof. But see how crippled and dysfunctional our beloved community has become, by taking this rude swing to the Right? Now, all you losers come whimpering back home to us loyal commies, begging forgiveness and your return to a warm hearth and loving souls. But every several years or so, I go into my "bar cycle"...this time, South of Market's "Hole in the Wall" on Eighth Street near Folsom. Expecting--as usual--to sit alone in my daydreams, enjoying the (non-disco/non-hiphop) brilliant collections of authentic rock in its various genres. Plus the occasional operetta. (By the way, I don't drink alcohol much, so I usually nurse a cup of coffee...really, just an excuse to hang out. I am 95% teatotaler.) I had visited this bar in a previous cycle two years ago, and found it pleasant enough. But, this time around, I'm like: WHOAAAAA! So I fall in love with this hot item called "Larkin", who is 41 but looks 28: very tall (maybe 6-1/2?) lanky darkly-red haired, handsome rogue of an Irishman. He's the star of the place, and I sure can see why! (What's gotten into me?) Larkin plays a hot game of pool (and those sexy moves that bring on the drool), and puts so many smiles on so many faces of our older gay brothers, most of whom suffer AIDS or equally immune-damaging ailments. He is so funny, so witty, makes so many folks laugh their arses off...I am literally stunned at this remarkable youthful man: a REAL "man" in every best possible sense of that word! He has such a compassionate and humorous outreach to so many! These men who are dealing with nerve-wracking life and death issues every single day, day in and day out, nonetheless look forward to another day of life because of: Larkin. His loving friendship to me in the few weeks I've been there can only be compared to a Knight in Shining Armor. He has so many wonderful gay souls under his wing, that I can't believe he had the time and energy to also shelter me...who is blessed to be free of AIDS, cancer, or anything else. I am 55 and in excellent health, still (despite my loss of medical and dental insurance), thanks to the pagan wisdom I've acquired in regards to self-healing and prevention. (And never messing with hard drugs or too much alcohol.) Larkin is a great party mixer! He is very sociable with everyone, young and old, male and female (and in between), and is also a most excellent bouncer when need be. Yet he does this of his own devotion, his own will, and lives in a humble room paid by a humble job in the tacqueria next door. What's wrong with this picture? Well, Larkin is so funny and such a great all-around guy, he could be very well paid at gay events and parties. Or how about hiring him to bring happiness to AIDS and other patients suffering deadly diseases? He'd also make a most excellent big brother for troubled young adults. This man is so talented, I can't believe Hole in the Wall has been able to keep him secret for so long. Here, I thought I was San Francisco's Best Kept Secret (since I am after all, "Jehovah's Queer Witness")...but I must pass on that crown to this most outstanding and gracious gay man among all gay men: Larkin. I think--now that I've let the cat out of the bag--the only way the bar owner can keep Larkin from being whisked off by a talent scout, thus losing more than eighty percent of his customers resulting in the bar's shutting down after all these years: The owner should put him on the payroll, with a living (not minimum) wage, complete with quality health and dental insurance. For this bodacious dude of dudes, Larkin, has been entertaining for free, for years, at Hole in the Wall...and he remains the main draw for anyone to hang out there! In spite of all the excellent bartenders who already work there. I think it is selfish of our affluent patrons to not already have arranged for Larkin to be a professional party mixer at least several times a month! They want to keep him all for themselves, like a bird in a gilded cage...but instead of a bird, it's Larkin (a human being), and instead of a cage, it's the Hole in the Wall (a gay biker bar)! I found a most wonderful treasure for our community, in Larkin. He has done--and continues to do--so much good for so many with AIDS and other difficult issues (including those restful breaks of sanity in these virulently homophobic times). It is my wish that our Queer Family give due recognition and honors to this incredible, unsung hero. As a spiritual counselor for my gay buddies on the streets, I have learned a thing or two about identifying a true hero. And Larkin is outstanding in that department, as well as in every other! At fifty-five, I guess I ought to consider myself yet one more aging queer who's found shelter and warmth under Larkin's great wings. Thank you Larkin, for being the magnanimous guardian angel that you are, for so many! You have brought incredible happiness to my own heart, for the good man you are. Watching you work a room is pure magic! Coffee and Larkin: it doesn't get any better than this. Thanks, wonderful buddy! Most sincerely, Ezekiel Joseph Krahlin (San Francisco) President and Founder of the Larkin Fan Club --finis

THE UNHOLY IN THE WALL (A True Tale From The Castro. Eat your heart out, Armistead!) copyright 2007 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin On Monday January 29, 2007 at approximately 7pm, at The Hole in the Wall Saloon (San Francisco), I was threatened with SEVERE violence by another patron. (Threats like: "I'll beat you senseless, I'll kill you, I'll slice you up!") He hollered so loud and clear that--even amid the intense boom-boom of the music speakers--I'd be surprised if no one in the front of the bar did not hear all his words. (There were at least ten witnesses easily within earshot of the offender.) The man who threatened me goes by name of Chris; he has long, red hair often wound up beneath some head gear. He stands approximately 5' 7", is around 40 years old, has bad teeth, and can talk up a storm. He dresses street punk, rides bicycle, and carries a cue stick in a home-made black sheath with glittering discs the shape and size of nickels. Chris has never harassed me before. In fact, we've had many enjoyable encounters at Hole in the Wall; so I'd come to consider him a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance. The bartender on duty, Gary, did nothing when I ran up to him behind some customers, and hollered that Chris has just threatened me with extreme violence; he should be kicked out. Instead of protecting me (and everyone else there) by doing just that, Gary threatened to kick us BOTH out! Angered, I told him that won't be necessary; I'll leave right now, and will never return. I have since heard that bartender Gary is covering his butt by claiming he witnessed the whole incident, and that Chris had not yelled threats at me, that I'm just making things up or exaggerating. I know that eventually the truth will out, and prove me right as rain. (However, Gary's lying makes me look bad, hence broadcasts seeds of hatred against me even further. This is defamation of my good character, as well as potential to bring real violence upon me. Gary, all you had to do was the right thing, and kick him out...then, your job would NOT be at risk, which inspires you to lie. I am very disheartened over your failure to protect a harmless and friendly patron, especially since I've always thought well of you.) I have also come to understand that one or more bartenders and patrons have been gossiping about me, in order to stir up unwarranted hatred. This seems to be one such attempt. It has also caused several other patrons of SOMA bars to be all riled up against me, because they can't see through the gossip instigated by a particular bartender or two. It all started with jealousy over someone I befriended (name of Larkin) who himself was eventually intimidated from hanging out with me, and even driven out of that bar (because he continued to be friendly in surreptitious ways). Though sad to say, in his case his participation in certain mischief makes him partly responsible for his own unhappy outcome: loss of job, housing, and 86'd from all the SOMA bars. (I am very glad to learn however, that Larkin's managed to keep a roof over his lovely red-haired head, and found a new job...which job as it turns out, is right across the street from where I live! All I've ever wanted to do is be a best friend to you, sweetheart. Is there still a chance? And if you do call, how will I know it's not another stupid setup? Trust HAS been broken.) Folks, this guy is a beautiful man...check out the 8-1/2" x 11" B&W photo they put up on the saloon wall after they gave him the boot...in all his 6'4" naked glory, draped in a flag. Very artful...yum!. Meanwhile, I suggest that those decent patrons of this saloon cease going there for their own protection (if not to take a stand for my sake). I've concluded there is some very bad mojo going on there and--sad to say--in at least one other SOMA bar (The Eagle Tavern), where unsavory types like Chris also hang out. Can you imagine somehow turning all this criminal, backstabbing behavior into a POSITIVE energy to make our queer bars and streets friendlier and safer? One can only dream. In fact, that IS my dream...so I hope that, once the dust settles over this matter, things will be a lot better all around, and independent gay activists like me will be appreciated for our years of dedication and courage, instead of vilified and attacked for no reason except to manifest sheer hate. Meanwhile, all you vicious, petty-minded, paranoid, jealous, and black-magic-egomaniacal drama queens: watch out...'cause bad karma has a way of biting you back in the keister when you least expect it. And stop whining about all The Castro bars being filled with nasty queers. You vacuous-headed homunculi who frequent the gay SOMA bars take the cake when it comes to all-out bitch-slappin' meanness. In closing: I will miss immensely all the GOOD friends I made there, some of whom no doubt will be brainwashed to avoid me, from the continued gossip. But if any of you consider me a real friend, and still have my phone number, CALL ME. (Because I won't ever again bother to frequent any part of SOMA w/o a bodyguard.) We'll do coffee somewhere else in the city, where it's a heck of a lot safer. Sincerely, Zeke Krahlin Freelance gay activist in SF since 1975 ---finis

DARK MOJO AT THE HOLE 19 September 2007 It is clear to me that Hole in the Wall Saloon's probable demise is a matter of karmic law, than of NIMBY politics and business rivalry. During my two-plus years as a regular patron, I have witnessed (and suffered) incredibly dark mojo that still continues to dog me, long after my patronage. The malicious spillover from that establishment has poisoned the entire SOMA gay bar community, to the detriment of all...but most especially, the Eagle Tavern. This is neither a simple matter of cliquism, nor alcohol dysfunction, nor hard drug abuse, nor AIDS trauma. Though they certainly contribute to said problem, they are simply adjuncts to the genuinely horrific evil that is brewing there, like the cauldron of a gibbering witch in her last stages of syphilitic madness. The vile behavior of those so guilty, reflects that of an established cult or cabal, that make the adjuncts just mentioned pale by comparison. Here is a list of the various grievances I hold against Hole in the Wall, and the sha dy fraternity that reigns over the SOMA gay community, like a malevolent plague: 1) On 10 April 2006, I was drugged and mugged by a patron of Hole in the Wall. When I returned a few days later, still in shock, I talked to various regulars and bartenders about the incident. None gave me any compassion or support, nor did they admit that this culprit was a regular. Only several months later, did I find out on my own that indeed, he was/is an evening regular...and that most (if not all) of the bartenders, and some of the other regulars, know exactly who this person is (I described him to a tee). Since no one showed any care for my suffering, I finally got the incident printed in a letter to the Bay Times, to warn others (issue dated 13 September 2007). You can read it here: http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_handsome-mug.htm 2) Prior to this mugging, I had formed the beginning of an excellent friendship with one patron, Larkin. But immediately after I informed him of the attack, he ceased talking and associating with me. And after more than a year and a half, he remains cold and silent to me, as if I don't even exist, or am not worth the speck of dirt on his shoe. (In hopes of eventually resuming our friendship, I still wait for him to finally hug me and say: "I'm so sorry this happened, but I'm glad you pulled through.") 3) Some of Larkin's "friends" participated in humiliating me by petty games of jealousy and wicked gossip...some, with the implicit cooperation of Larkin himself. For example, one patron, "Jeff", smooched and petted with Larkin whenever I showed up, often right in front of me...when I knew very well they weren't the least bit attracted to each other. They never did this before my mugging...and kept it up for several months. I felt very ashamed for Larkin's sadly immature and vindictive behavior in someone I so admire. If you'd like to know just how much I admire him, read this article from my web log, entitled "Larkin: A Hidden Treasure": http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_larkin.htm and "Blessed Be My Wednesday": http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_blessed-wednesday.htm (To your credit, Larkin: until you were 86'd, you continued to watch over me, protect me from threats and violence, even though in every other way ignored me. Thank you immensely. You suffered a lot of anger by petty queens, in so doing. That is but one among many reasons I'll never give up on you, and always have faith in your goodness.) Worse yet: bartenders Gary C. and Chris A. spread gossip to all the other bartenders and additional patrons...leaving me isolated, to suffer hostility and threats by various regulars. This gossip also dissolved what other friendships I had formed there, prior to my mugging. 4) Weekend bartender Chris A. did nothing when I was attacked by a somewhat large dog, who was obviously disturbed by the loud music booming throughout the saloon. Though I defended myself and suffered no bite, Chris did not evict, or even admonish, the dog's owner...instead, he kicked me out for warning others who entered, to beware of the unruly dog. Seeing as weekday bartender Gary C. had already 86'd Larkin a couple months before (as part of his plot to destroy my friendship w/Larkin), I could only see my buddy during weekends. Now, that was conveniently sabotaged by Chris. (Note: some of the large dogs bartenders allow in--especially pit bulls, dobermans and rottweilers--are clearly not appropriate due to their poor manners and lack of a muzzle...thus endangering all patrons.) 5) I remained at Hole in the Wall on Gary's shift, in order to get to the bottom of this intrigue...for I am a tenacious person who always gets answers in the long run. Unfortunately, I was finally driven out for good by a serious threat upon my person. The attacker threatened to kill me (cut me up with a knife). He screamed this in front of several people. Yet when I complained to Gary seconds later, did he kick him out? No, he accused us both of stirring up trouble, and he'd kick us both out. I told him no need to do that; I'll leave now and never return. You can read the details on my web log, entitled "The Unholy in the Wall": http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_unholy.htm I confided in one person (Joe C.) who I thought was a friend, by e-mailing him a copy of that letter. Instead, he accused me of the most vile behavior. And distributed copies of my letter throughout the SOMA bars in an attempt to put my life in further danger, and drive me out. This, on top of his fighting cancer, undergoing painful and exhausting chemotherapy! (I guess if that gives you a motive to stay alive, I won't knock it. But Joe, you should be aware that I pray for you regularly for a complete remission, regardless of your less than sterling behavior.) 6) I finally left that bar, to hang out at the Eagle Tavern. Sadly, some of the malicious regulars out of Hole in the Wall, also frequent the Eagle...and thus, spread further gossip and hatred against me. Their foul gossip continues to endanger my life at worst, and keep me from forming solid friendships at best. As stated above, I am a tenacious person, and thus remain a patron at the Eagle, in order to finally get to the bottom of this pathetic SOMA intrigue. But my patience has finally worn thin; thus this letter in hopes it will reach the public eye. The incidents at Hole in the Wall (described above) happened over the span from April 2006 to January 2007. Yet the gossip continues, while Larkin remains silent towards me, and is now even friendly with those who initially hated and messed with him (including Gary C.). Obviously, he and others have manipulated Larkin into hating me. (I certainly hope you can see through their vulgar antics, Larkin, and will not explode in violence against me or anyone else.) Their gossip continues to make some regulars at both the Hole in the Wall and the Eagle, to hate and fear me...all out of jealousy (and certainly for no good reason, for I am blameless). As I implied earlier, this behavior among a certain SOMA clique resembles that of a cult, rather than your standard home brew of petty spitefulness and alcoholic dysfunction. And it seems to me--by what I have observed over these past two-plus years--to have been going on for quite some time, probably ten years or more. How it began, I can only surmise. But being a Buddhist at heart, I take the high road: "I have no enemies, only teachers." My goal is not vengeance, but justice...and those who play my enemy I hope to win over as friends. (Indeed, that has begun!) I do have an excellent resolution in mind, to make this a win-win situation for all involved, both friends and enemies. Read on: 1) Larkin, I cherish the friendship we had for a few months, and know that you are worth all this trouble. I am NOT attracted to you sexually, though I certainly hold great affection for the kindness and fun you so graciously shared with me. Obviously, this made a LOT of folks jealous, probably because they already hated you for being such a good looker, and so talented. I prayed that you'd get your old job back at the Tacqueria next door to "The Hole", and to have you return to South of Market, where you were the star for over seven years. I am the one behind welcoming you to the Eagle, when all other bars wouldn't have you. (And at the Eagle, on only one certain bartender's shift.) I have spoken only good about you to everyone who'd listen, in order to squelch the gossip that drove you out. More than anything else (including your own slip-ups, for which you must make amends), it was jealousy of our excellent friendship that led to these difficulties...and your own screwed up karma th at drove you out. It seems that you have been persuaded to blame me for various difficult mishaps. But the truth is: we've BOTH been shafted, and the last thing these A-holes care to see, is the resumption of our camaraderie. My prayers for your return to SOMA have been answered in every way, and I only need to look forward now, to my return into your heart. 2) Ron (Eagle bartender), you have been magnanimous in supporting my struggles to right these grievous wrongs, including your kindness and patience to Larkin, by making him feel welcome there. You have been a harbor of friendship and courage for myself, and for Larkin. I also want to thank the handful of other folks in SOMA (mostly Eagle patrons, bartenders and a few from The Hole), for not listening to the gossip, thereby maintaining friendly relations with me. Though you have no idea of the horrific situations I've had to deal with till now; and this has been a great frustration and cross for me to bear. Ron, the agreement we made for your support, was I'd not write another letter of complaint, but try to work things out on a personal, community level...as long as the gossip did not continue from one bartender at The Hole. Sadly, the gossip did continue, and still does...yet I held back for many months, till I've reached the end of my patience, which is now. 3) Gypsy (regular at both bars in question), you have turned out to be an excellent friend, after a dark situation that occurred between us many years ago. I never thought I'd see you again (and never wanted to)! You are doing an excellent job of mending the damage done to me and Larkin. However, I fear that you don't quite grasp the enormity of evil wrought by Gary C. Yes, you assured me he would not harm me, that "time heals all wounds"...but you do not seem to realize that his gossip can result in physical harm to me. It is a FACT that Gary did nothing when I was severely threatened by another regular...and that's just one among many examples. I'm sorry that you think he is such a great person (as do various other SOMA regulars), for I know better: Gary C. is a vulgar and wicked soul, whose gossip has also done harm to other good patrons. 4) To my remaining enemies: it is time to mend all damage done, and I hold no grudges. But time has grown short. If you do not change your ways, this will all backfire, and what you wished against me shall come to avenge me instead. I am trying to nip this negative outcome in the bud, as best I can. Larkin, your willful cooperation with such evil will only come to entrap you, unless you answer to your conscience NOW. Should this tragedy unfold, I will not find any joy, but sorrow for what you've brought upon yourself. You are my hero: don't fail me, or yourself...do what you KNOW is the right thing. Speak out to my remaining enemies, help them change their lives to one of great wonder, joy, honesty and fulfillment. You are a brilliant, gifted man in so many ways! 5) When the mending begins--and I have absolute faith it will--I have great plans for all. Imagine what all this negative energy can do for gay rights here in The City, once it's channeled into a positive route! As a first step, I have redirected all the jealous hatred against Larkin, towards myself, that he may reestablish his presence in SOMA, and create a more stable and joyful existence. Now, I take this negative energy and rework it into a positive outcome...this letter being but my latest step in that direction. I want Hole in the Wall to reopen in its new location UNDER MY TERMS. Here they are: Rename the saloon to "Larkin's Lagoon"...where Larkin will be the host and professional bouncer. He'll be paid a living wage including quality health and dental care. A plywood cutout of Larkin (artfully painted, holding a cue stick in one hand, cigarette in the other, with his trademark sardonic smile) shall be attached to the front door, or beside it. Details on how the bar should be run will be left up to me, during negotiations with the owners. This includes reducing alcohol consumption by 80%, and increasing marijuana use drastically, by including THC based concoctions. (Technically illegal, but we know it's the right thing to do, in order to heal our community. At this point in our history, to NOT move in this direction makes us complicit with the persecution of our homophobic enemies. Can you say "speakeasy?") There will also be provided an extensive menu of healthful teas, juices and coffees. This will bring in many more customers who'd love to hang out with gay crowds, but have hesitated before, due to rampant alcoholism and substance abuse. (I would LOVE to be the world's first gay bar barista!) I am not a vengeful man, and to prove this, I will make sure that all former enemies will NOT be left out in the cold, but be included in this new SOMA family, as good friends and indispensable patrons. I take heart from Buddha's words in the Dhammapada: "A fool is happy until his mischief backfires. And a good man may suffer until his goodness blossoms." Believing the truth in Buddha's claim that we have no enemies, only teachers, I consider the possibility that all this outrageous intrigue is nothing more than a hilarious setup by beloved angels, in order to make me a hero. My only retort is: "Ha, ha. Very funny guys. Well done. I am exhausted, but grateful that ultimately, no evil has been done!" In service to our gay community here in San Francisco, including my homeless gay brothers and others disenfranchised, I remain: Zeke Krahlin Gay Activist & Homeless Advocate since 1973

30 PIECES OF SILVER From: Zeke To: Bartender Ron Date: 19 Sep 2007, 11:42:27 AM Subject: My letter to Bay Times Hey, Ron! You can read my letter "Dark Mojo At The Hole", both full version and abridged, here: http://ezekielk.tblog.com/post/1969958453 FYI, if you want to follow my articles about my SOMA adventures, they start in March 2006 through now. Just click on the archive links in the left column. Scroll down to find every article relating to SOMA, for they are interspersed with other topics. In fact, my very first SOMA post (March 2006) is located at page bottom. (Had I a functioning printer, I would have printed them out and made a book of them, as a gift for all your kind support. Alas, I cannot.) BTW, besides overhearing a conversation a few weeks ago, which indicated further delays in opening the relocated Hole, there is this recent letter from the owners (dated September 6, 2007): http://www.sfbaytimes.com/index.php?sec=article&article_id=6808 That is what led me to believe there are further holdups which may thwart them from ever reopening...and thus, inspired my letter (triggered by my "last straw" witness of Gary C. and Larkin playing pool together two nights ago). Have an excellent weekend. Zeke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Bartender Ron To: Zeke Date: 19 Sep 2007, 01:38:10 PM Subject: RE: My letter to Bay Times Hi Zeke; Ron here. I read both your letters and i must say i agree and disagree with some things. I noticed in the letters you mention the Eagle on several occassions, and about how hatred, anger and threats had followed you there. My first question is; if you have such strong, bad feelings about the Eagle, why do you go there? Second, I have always treated you welll and as a patron would not let anything bad happen to you while you are there. In life, we all have people that do not like us. there are many who do not like me. I have been dosed, I have been in the hospital hanging onto life, which by the way this happened in the castro, so incidents you site at the Hole and the Eagle happen at every other bar also. Now, this does not make them right, but you make it sound like bad things and bad people are only at the Hole and the Eagle, and that just is not true. As far as opening the new Hole under "your terms", that will never happen. You do not own the property or liquor license, so really you are in no position to dictate terms. I feel very bad for the things that have happened to you. Bad things have happened to me also, and i keep going on. I thank you for you kind words about me, but I feel sad that you felt it necessary to attack the Eagle where I feel you have been treated very well. Ron -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Zeke To: Bartender Ron Date: 19 Sep 2007, 07:58:40 PM Subject: Re: My letter to Bay Times | My first question is; if you have such strong, bad | feelings about the Eagle, why do you go there? Because as you also said, bad things tend to happen in ANY bar. Weighing the pros and cons, I found the Eagle to be the best among all the SOMA bars. Another reason of course, as an activist, I need a bar in which to network my ideas...including introducing good people to other good people. This will make the bars safer and friendlier,and bring in more business. | Second, I have always treated you well and as a patron | would not let anything bad happen to you while you are | there. That's good to know; I'm aware of that. I told you yesterday, that Gypsy threatened me. You need to keep on your toes about this, as no doubt he's already gossiping against me, to get me out, and perhaps do me harm. | In life, we all have people that do not like us. there | are many who do not like me. Understood. But when you are aggressively attacked and threatened, and people keep gossiping, one can choose to run away from it, or stand one's ground. I chose the latter. | I have been dosed, I have been in the hospital hanging | onto life, which by the way this happened in the | castro, so incidents you site at the Hole and the Eagle | happen at every other bar also. No doubt had I selected another bar, I'd finally have to confront matters that get out of hand and threaten to injure me, or drive me out. However, the Hole is the WORST, most DANGEROUS gay bar I've ever been in, here in SF. | Now, this does not make them right, but you make it | sound like bad things and bad people are only at the | Hole and the Eagle, and that just is not true. I don't think intelligent readers will take it that way. But let me reiterate: The Hole has a lot of evil coming from it, and it spills over into the Eagle, more so than any other bar. There are plenty of good folks in both bars, too...however, for whatever reasons I have been selected for some particularly nasty and ongoing attacks. Two reasons I can think of: jealousy over my friendship w/Larkin, and ignorant hatred towards left wing activists. | As far as opening the new Hole under "your terms", that | will never happen. You do not own the property or | liquor license, so really you are in no position to | dictate terms. That is not my concern: it is a wish I expressed. This way, I may turn Larkin's friendship back in my direction, because of what I WISH for him. Also, should any more threats come my way at the Eagle, as a result of Gypsy's gossip (or anyone else's), then I WILL bring this to the police. At that point, assuming I have a strong case, I can strike an agreement with the owners regarding "Larkin's Lagoon". | I feel very bad for the things that have happened | to you. And I feel AWFUL. | Bad things have happened to me also, and i keep | going on. Likewise. But I'm sure if you keep having wicked people screwing with you, you'd finally take a stand in order to put an end to this. As far as I know, you are not in such a circumstance at this time. I am. | I thank you for you kind words about me, but I feel sad | that you felt it necessary to attack the Eagle where I | feel you have been treated very well. Very well by some. Crappy by others. As I just said, Gypsy threatened me, and it was at the Eagle. I have noticed that anyone who's been crude to me also frequents the Hole. Further: I do not see my complaints as an attack upon the Eagle. Truth is truth, and some of the ugly souls who frequent the Hole also frequent the Eagle. Because I am treated well by SOME, does not mean EVERYONE is treating me well. I am certain that my letter will help move ALL the SOMA bars into a much better direction...with the Eagle at the helm. I ENJOY the Eagle, for what you have done for me. Just realize I have learned to enjoy the good in situations, even when there's some (or a lot of) hell stewing around me. Let me put it this way: as nice as you are to me, does not change the fact that Gypsy threatened me. It does not make all the bad go away. See you Saturday as usual, unless you feel I've become too hot to handle. Zeke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Zeke To: Bartender Ron Date: 20 Sep 2007, 11:55:27 AM Subject: What I DON'T understand... ...is when Larkin showed up that day and hugged you, thanking you for keeping the door open for his return, you did not take the opportunity then, to tell him that I'M the one behind welcoming him back. I sat there at the other end of the bar, shocked. If you really are so sad over my difficult situation, it seems you would have spoken out then. Whatever. I won't be back for a while. Have fun with your girlfriends Gary Clayton, Gypsy (Arthur), Chris Altman and, of course...Larkin Kelsey. But I leave you with this: Was it really worth a measly 30 silver coins? Kisses. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Bartender Ron To: Zeke Date: 20 Sep 2007, 10:41:44 PM Subject: Re: My letter to Bay Times hey zeke: You are not too hot to handle!!! Thanks for the feedback and I hope to see you on Saturday. I hope you know you are welcome to come in and I look forward to seeing you and further interesting dicussions with you. Hope you have a good friday and will see you on Saturday. Ron -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Zeke To: Bartender Ron Date: 21 Sep 2007, 12:05:04 AM Subject: Re: My letter to Bay Times Ron said: | You are not to hot to handle!!! You really had me going there for a while Ron...I was really worried! | Thanks for the feedback and I hope to see you on | Saturday. I have to be honest as best I can. If you guys (Gypsy, Larkin, etc.) are testing my courage and sincerity, more power to you. As far as I'm concerned, I hope all this testing that's been dragging me over the coals for almost 2 years has finally ended. I've remained balanced, fair-minded, and not afraid to stand up for myself. I can't imagine anything else I need to go through to prove my spirit. But then again, I don't know everything. I HOPE Gypsy's threat was a test of my courage, and not genuine. But I realize that regardless, my angels watch over me, and won't let harm come my way. | I hope you know you are welcome to come in and I look | forward to seeing you and further interesting | dicussions with you. Okay. I really miss Larkin! | Hope you have a good friday and will see you on | Saturday. I will have a GREAT Friday. You guys are too much...but I can handle anything you dish my way. (Except perhaps corned beef hash.) :D Zeke -finis

A HALLOWEEN MISSIVE October 31, 2007 To My Hopefully Still Good Friend, Larkin: Hope you enjoy my Halloween gift of a large Hershey bar w/almonds, and two Mad Magazines! I really am not sure at all, why you suddenly ended what seemed to be the start of an excellent friendship...though I do have some ideas. I might be wrong, but here goes: (Before I proceed, please note I am strongly attracted to you in a romantic friendship way...I have no interest in getting into your pants, as darlingly handsome as you are. I think you need to understand this; I suspect you already do.) Some very wicked and jealous people surrounding you have driven us apart, most likely with ugly gossip...to convince you that I've partaken in some nasty games against you. None of this is true, including the series of crises that burdened you last year (loss of home, job, and SOMA hangout...all within the same, very short few weeks). You stopped talking to me immediately after I was drugged/mugged...which really did happen. The last time we hugged, was April 9, 2006...and it has been a painful odyssey ever since, that you avoid me like the plague, and treat me like the most horrible person on earth! Did you know that someone at The Hole, told me you were homeless? And can you imagine the sorrow this caused me? I asked some people there, how you are doing...people who at least seemed to be your friends. But I got mostly hostile replies and/or intentional misinformation...probably because they are twisted, jealous queens who love to screw with decent peoples' minds. So you can imagine my surprise (and delight) when you resurfaced in my life, directly across my apartment building! In fact, I could see you clearly, right from a hallway window, especially when you were on the balcony. I was tempted to gesture towards you, with a "Wiiiilbuuuur" holler, but I was so distraught about what happened between us, I never did. And now, you're permanently in my neck of the woods at Market and Church Streets...where I hang out daily, including at the Church Street Coffeehouse (formerly Muddy Waters). Funny how both our hangouts here in The Castro changed ownership around the same time! Just another weird and intriguing event in the chemistry of our association! Our paths now cross often...and sometimes I pause a while to admire you from a distance. I take your sudden reappearance in my life in my own neighborhood (and for those first few months, right across the street from my apartment) as a positive sign that I'm on the right track, and to keep the faith...that our friendship will resume. I guess you only need to find the moment when the door to our friendship opens up in such a way as to keep you safe from harm. Meanwhile, if I scowl or spit at you (only when you do this to me first), please don't take it personally...as pretending to hate you back is most likely the safest way to behave, for your own protection...and probably, mine too. Everyone now thinks I despise you, including Eagle bartender Ron...but I really do not. This is simply to get them off my tail, and yours...to make your life more secure, that you may resolve matters at your end, more readily. Reminds me of a romantic gay film I once saw, where two prisoners fell deeply in love. But to keep from being seperated and even murdered, they had to pretend they hate each other in front of the other captives, and prison guards. They'd even beat each other up now and then, to appear totally convincing! If you think I have plans of vengeance against you, you're wrong. I am only trying to stand by you as a best friend, in hopes the worst will finally blow over, and our friendship resume. Seems to me, that some people control your life, and if they don't like anyone you like, they'll mess with you big time, unless you chase such people away...people who offer you no stress or grief, only friendship. Here's one interesting observation: Even after you excluded me, you would not let anyone mess with me...and the person who mugged me, Michael, stayed away as long as you hanged out at The Hole. He has since returned a week or two after Gary 86'd you...I remained in order to figure out just what the heck is going on. (I have a hunch that certain evil ones had hoped I'd leave, once you stopped talking to me. When I didn't, I guess they figured I'd depart for good, once you were 86'd. Still, I remained. Finally, a death threat against me succeeded, and I left for good. I presume Gary C. paid speed-freak Chris to scare me away; as we were always on good terms till then.) I missed your presence very much; I cherished being under the same roof with you, even when you ignored me completely. That is how I concluded that our friendship ended not because you dislike me, but because others who wield power over you hate me. One such person among several is Gypsy (a.k.a. "Arthur," "Pappy," and goddess knows how many other names). I never thought I'd see Gypsy again, after he and his two sidekicks drove me out of The Badlands, back in 1989. Then, I had just become boyfriends with the new bartender, Bill. But when Gypsy showed up, it was all over for me: Bill kicked me out, and stopped dating me or associating with me in any other way. I tried to talk to Bill over the phone, on the street, wherever our paths crossed...but he never spoke to me again. Meanwhile, thanks to Gypsy's "deals", within a few short weeks all the Badlands bartenders had runny noses...and it wasn't the flu, I can tell you that. About a year later, Bill's picture was in the B.A.R. obituary, dead from a drug overdose. Now I'm not blaming Gypsy for everything, as it was Bill's choice to "partake"...and he was bitter over his AIDS diagnosis. However, Gypsy did play a significant role in Bill's needlessly-too-soon death. Years have passed since then, and I never dreamed I'd see Gypsy's ugly face once more. Then, about three years ago, I was heartbroken over Johnny (as you know), so in order to heal, decided to find a bar that played real rock, not disco crap. I heard that Hole in the Wall was a good place to go for that. Imagine my surprise (and disgust) to see Gypsy there! I decided well, I'll just ignore him, I only came here to relax...but sure is strange! Read a poem I wrote back then, to "honor" Gypsy: http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/truetales/6_gypsy.htm Then we met and became friends. You were so good to me, you lifted my spirits completely. Yet, once more, Gypsy stood in the way--and destroyed--a really good friendship AGAIN. Is this bizarre, or what? Before I continue, I want now to emphasize: Take care of yourself...Gypsy and his associates think nothing of damaging (or even killing) a person's life that they perceive is "in the way". He's done it once already, to someone I cared about...he may try again, though my every breath is a prayer that his horrid schemes will backfire. Jealousy can make terrible people do terrible things! I think these evil people told you to stop associating with me...and probably conjured up a wicked passel of gossip to make you hate me (all lies), even to inspire you to be violent. I trust you are savvy enough to see through their dark intent, and would never dream of doing me any harm. I hope you appreciate my courage in standing strong for the sake of our friendship...and demonstrating my affections for you in ways that are not too obvious for these idiots to notice. During my last few months at The Eagle, Gypsy befriended me...and I wanted to believe he was sincere. Turns out that he was not...for even more recently, he threatened me big time. Since bartender Ron did not kick him out, I had no choice but to leave...as I still stand alone in this battle, and care not to put my life in needless danger by foolish shows of bravado. Each time I was driven out of The Hole, I established myself at the Eagle Tavern, since that seemed to be your second favorite SOMA hangout. I had hoped you'd talk to me there, away from the intrigue at The Hole. Imagine my frustration to see Gypsy at The Eagle, too! Sadly, you stopped going there obviously because of my presence. You should know that only bartender Ron welcomed me...thus we became friends (or so I thought), and I confided my loss of our friendship, in an attempt to rebuild this damaged bridge. Unfortunately, Ron turned out to be my enemy, too...though he did a good job of pretending to be a friend, even to help mend our friendship. You should know that it's me who was behind welcoming you back to South of Market...inspiring Ron to keep the door open for you. Now, I see he's taken all the credit, and has probably never said one kind word about me, to you. Indeed, I suspect now, that he actually spoke poorly of me, to say the least. I spoke well of you to everyone who'd listen, including those jealous souls who hated (or acted like they hated) you...in my attempts to pave the way for your return. Obviously, it all backfired, with you possibly believing the horrid gossip spread against me. Read my final words with Ron: http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_mistake.htm Read my correspondence w/Ron immediately preceding those final words: http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_thirty-pieces.htm Read my list of grievances against Hole in the Wall GOON Saloon...wherein I identify the major culprits, as well as incidents: http://www.gay-bible.org/truetales/6_dark-mojo.htm This includes Gary C., who acted like he hated you when we were friends. Seems the only reason he's recently buddied up with you, is to get back at me. So please be careful...he and others may be playing you for a fool; watch out when they grow tired of you. IN CONCLUSION (whew!): You either really hate me (which I doubt), or pretend to hate me (which I believe). By feigning disgust toward me, you can more easily root out my real enemies and, hopefully, put the kibosh on their malicious ways. Were we friends in public, they wouldn't reveal to you what their true feelings and intentions are...and would most likely make your life a living hell. I think you might even possibly be in a most difficult situation, and feel forced to continue to despise me...or at best, ignore me. Since our separation, you never once told me to leave, or that you don't like me...during those times I showed up at your place(s) of work or recreation. Thus indicating that things are not so simple, and that it might even grieve you if I give up on you, believing that you really have turned against me. I have a strong intuition that I should never give up on you...only just be wary not to force things. If I am correct, then it seems you took a lot of nasty hits by protecting me from violence while we both were still at The Hole, during the time you ceased associating with me. You wilfully paid a high price, by risking your valuable contacts, putting you in danger of homelessness and worse. So I am doing my best to return the favor, by standing by you in every way possible that will not bring further risk towards your survival. I do not hate you in the least...in fact, I value our friendship infinitely, and will continue to do so for the rest of my life (whether or not we ever resume our excellent camaraderie). Remember when I said this about you, at The Hole: "I'll do whatever it takes to win Larkin's friendship. I'll go through hell and back again, if need be." Little did I dream back then, my declaration was simply the prelude to a great (and often terrible) adventure, and a testing of my beliefs. But in being so tested, you witnessed what a good friend I can be, and that not once have I allowed the nobility of our friendship to be tarnished by anyone...not even by you. For you do like to test me, don't you? May I call you asshole again? (Thanks, I needed to get that off my chest.) One way I'll know our friendship is back on track, is if you answer my questions, and do so truthfully and gladly. Such as: * Why did you stop associating with me after the mugging? * Why did you and Jeff make out in front of me for so long? (It hurt me only because I felt shame for your childish display.) * Why did you protect me various times, from possible danger (even though you otherwise refused to talk to me?) * Has bartender Ron ever spoken well of me to you, at all? * Why do you seem to be owned by a group of wicked people? * Why can't you contact me in secret? (And why don't you now?) But please realize you'll need to make things up to me big time before I could ever regain my trust in you. And if truly sincere in this matter, you would most eagerly and happily work overtime to make amends. Like a good boy scout, I am courageous, loyal, devoted, and honest (though not homophobic...heh). And by now I have proven this to you, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Larkin, I am a good friend to you, and have been all along. I don't believe fate would put me through all these trials, if we weren't destined to have a wonderful friendship in each other. I hope you realize what a painful and frustrating adventure this has been for me. For example: trying to communicate to you, all the terrible scenarious I've gone through for the sake of our frienship...including getting this document to you. My printer no longer works, so I couldn't even print it out and slip the paper into one of my enclosed Mad Magazines. I can only trust you will get on the Internet, to view my important letter, which web address I scratched on one of the enclosed magazines...and that it gets into the right hands: yours! I figured the odds are more in my favor, if I leave my gift packet to you (concealed beneath a newspaper I'll leave behind), at this tacqueria where you work. So my frustration and grief remain...though hopefully after almost two years, will finally morph into a joyful and fulfilling adventure with you freed from your prison w/o walls...and your stunning, new career will ensue: as a highly-paid professional party mixer for gay events and bars. You are a very talented and witty man, as well as heart- throbbingly handsome! (And you do a great job of making absolutely anyone feel welcome and included in a gathering...even "wallflowers".) I also pray for your well being in every way...including victory over your addiction to alcohol and tobacco. I want you healhy, as well as wise and wealthy...for a long, long time! In a nutshell: I dread the very idea of you disappearing from my life for good. Please don't! PS: Thanks for visiting my web site last year, to read "Larkin: A Hidden Treasure"! How do I know it was you? Well, I have a search engine on my web site, which reports back to me each week a list of searches made. It doesn't of course know who did each search, but the phrase you searched for was a dead give away...since it was the same phrase ("Hidden Treasure") I wrote in one of those three letters I sent you c/o The Hole. (And since it was so shortly after you read that letter.) The phrase was thus: (Tue May 16...10:27:48 2006) "Skits on topic hidden treasres" Now, it was not a skit, and you misspelled "treasure", but the phrase "hidden treasres" was sufficient to track down that particular article. I hope you appreciated my compliments there...and that your cynicism did not lead you to believe that I'm not genuine in my praise for you. For I most certainly am! In love and friendship, The Zekester -finis

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