(Note: I actually created the following limerick on a bet, while at the Hole in the Wall Saloon. Told the guy sitting next to me at the bar, that for a free drink I could punch out a limerick in less than 10 minutes. If he doesn't like it, I buy him a drink instead. Better yet: he picks the subject. So he looks around for an idea, when at that moment in walks a patron with a miniature doberman pinscher at heel. My barstool compadre exlaims: "Aha!" and points at the tiny dog: "I pick that!" I immediately jot down the obvious 1st line. Take a minute or two to come up with the 2nd. Restless, I trot off to the urinal--still musing--and as I pee, lines 3 and 4 bubble up. I give a few victorious shakes, whip it back in, zip it up, rush back to my seat, and wrestle the devil for that final line. With just 45 seconds remaining: BINGO, a whiskey sour pour moi!)

I once knew a miniature Pinscher;
A female: I had to convince her
That the pants she wore
Made her look like a whore,
And she'd lose her position with Mensa.

(Note: "Mensa" is an organization just for geniuses, founded in 1946. The word "Mensa" means "table" in Latin. The name stands for a round-table society, where race, color, creed, national origin, age, politics, educational or social background are irrelevant. And, I hope, sexual orientation.)

A vampire from Transylvania
Had this peculiar mania,
For taking great pains
To destroy moving trains
In a station in Pennsylvania.

(Note: Transylvania is the mythical home of Dracula: most famous of all vampires. Definition of "mania": a pathological state characterized by euphoric mood, excessive activity and talkativeness, impaired judgment, and sometimes psychotic symptoms. Silly me: here, I mistook that for "love" all these many years. I confused "manic" for "romantic"; no wonder I scare all the cute dudes away! This poem is a "clean"--rather than "dirty"--limerick...as is the next one. Which next one, by the way, was also influenced by my hanging out at "The Hole", and marks the very beginning of my remarkable "Larkin Chronicles".)

An orange-y handsome man Larkin
Came to my sad heart a-knockin'.
With a hug and a kiss,
I felt such bliss!
The white doves they all came a-flockin'.

(Note: Larkin's hair was dyed an incredible orange, which looked so good on him, I thought was natural! This is not the first time I fell for a guy with orange hair...see "Acrostic to Al". The white dove is a symbol for peace, the holy spirit, and romantic love.)

And speaking of "The Hole", I invite you to read my first inspirational piece that came out of that sorry excuse of a dive: "I Love Gay Mecca".

ADDENDUM 12/13/07: Wait a minute, not one single dirty limerick in the group! Allow me to correct such an egregious violation right now:

I once knew a teen called Nick
Who possessed an exceedingly big dick,
But when he dropped his pants
All I saw there were ants,
So I said: "No thanks, i'll just take a lick".

Delighted to have my letter posted at Buzzflash.com's mailbag, I eagerly awaited to see what sort of response (if any) I'd get. And I did: it was lamely liberal, essentially trivializing--instead of defending--the noble struggle for queer liberation.

The author is one "Barbara Lee (Barb) Blazyk", out of red-state Georgia. She presents herself as the quintessential progressive, who loves all humanity, and stands for all peoples' rights. She comes out as endearingly cute, a bright light in a dark mire of Republicanism. In truth, she is a SABOTEUR, attempting to destroy any effort by forthright gays to enlighten the hetero masses. (That is: a Republican wolf in liberal sheep's clothing.)

Yet clearly, she is IGNORANT of the plight of our sexual minorities. Typically, her concealed arrogance comes off as the last word on the gay issue. As if EVERYTHING I had just stated was simply the erroneous babbling of a goofball. And THAT is how gay activists are USUALLY treated by many of our liberal factions.

In other words, Babs' reply was a textbook example of my original complaint about phony liberals pretending to care about, and clearly comprehend, the queer issue. I, on the other hand, have no validity in her self-centered world of progressive pabulum.

Now, you will first read my original post, then Babs' reply...and finally, my REBUTTAL to her horrid distortions of my ideas. Which Buzzflash did NOT publish, again proving my claim that the gay issue is GROSSLY suppressed and underrepresented by even the MOST progressively political groups. For they ALLOWED Babs to get away with her trivializing, insulting, anti-queer TRIPE!

Date: March 23, 2006

Subject: Progressives' Tolerance of Homophobia Is Distressing

It is MOST disheartening and frightening to see even the most progressive groups and participants accept homophobic slurs as "okay," when of course they so staunchly stand up against all other forms of bigotry. Over and over again, I read and hear liberals, progressives, and lefties attack evil-doers with defamatory anti-gay terms such as "faggot," "homosexual," and worse.

Everyone knows Bush is no good...he must be queer. Ditto for Muslim fanatics. Our soldiers scrawl homophobic graffiti throughout the Arab world, accusing Muslims of being "fags.". And today's (March 22) BuzzFlash Mailbag comment by Akhil Bhardwaj:

"Scooter means a gay french 2-wheeled object that transports humans from point A to B."

Because the scooter is "gay" means it's bad. And of course, those Anti-American French MUST be queer...like most Western Europeans.

Not a peep out of BuzzFlash! Had the author used an anti-black word like "n*gger," or anti-female like "c*nt", you bet your liberal arse it would be either censored or severely condemned.

Want to end violence on this planet? Starvation? Torture? Fascism? There is only one way through this, to a truly peaceful world: vanquish discrimination against non-hetero minorities. It is this tacitly sanctioned thread of homophobia that runs a red streak through ALL of our present, liberal projects. Such a malicious attitude POISONS any such project because it encourages male-on-male violence no matter WHAT the issue being dealt with.

NO group will EVER win its rights, nor will we have a sane ecology, economy, government or anything else good, as long as people seek liberation while maintaining hatred against a vital segment of its membership. ALL oppressed minorities I know of, STILL vehemently hate and persecuted their own homosexuals and other sexual minorities.

Should I look forward to a healthy ecosystem, based in part on eradicating sexual minorities? I mean, c'mon: I've met and communicated with MANY homophobes who are active members of ecological groups such as Greenpeace, Sierra Club, etc.

No, you don't have to be right-wing to espouse anti-queer dogma. That seems to have also infected most of our liberal movements, including so-called progressive media like BuzzFlash.

Gay people truly have NO real allies in ANY political sphere...we are far more alone in this global jihad against homosexuals, than many "liberals" care to admit. The greatest true conspiracy ever to exist in our troubled history, has been the conspiring of misery, trauma and death of homosexuals in most EVERY society. This has gone on for MANY centuries...but is now destined to come crashing down.

It is way too clear to me, that much of the world's present institutions will go down in flames of ignorance--and other, better ones--shall arise...all based on this sole issue: gay rights. Whether or not you can accept this, is YOUR problem...but let's not fool ourselves into thinking that being on the left politically is any better for queers.

Yet what I see to be true (as a gay activist since 1973), remains suppressed and ignored by even the most progressive media outlets like BuzzFlash. So MUCH heroism in our gay community has gone unreported for the most part.

I think those (too-few) heterosexuals who really ARE supporters of gay liberation, ought to come up with a NEW name to separate themselves from the mainstream (mostly anti-gay) hetero majority. Else, how difficult it will continue to be, for us gays to really figure out which breeders we meet, really WILL defend us, when push comes to shove.

To me, the conclusion is as obvious as the nose on any hetero-supremacist face:

It's the homophobia, stupid!

Zeke Krahlin
San Francisco, CA

Date: March 24, 2006

Subject: So we progressives are anti-gay?? Think again.

Dear Buzzers --

I just read Zeke Krahlin's letter (3/23) in the Mailbag. Yes, I concede that some people who CALL themselves "progressive" and (quite likely) DLC-ers riding the fence are willing to indulge in gay-bashing rants. But don't assume that ALL of us progressives can be pigeonholed into that category. In fact, many of us ARE gay. And those of us who aren't are willing and determined to defend the rights of those who are -- just as many of us fought for civil rights even if we weren't black, fought against unjust/lied-into wars from Vietnam to both of the Gulf fiascos even though women weren't drafted into Vietnam and there is (well, so far) no draft -- but don't count on it after we invade Iran.

It's as unfair and unjust to categorize progressives as it is to discriminate against gays, African-Americans, women, the poor, etc., etc. (No, this isn't a personal attack on Zeke; I'm simply pointing out that judging entire groups on the basis of some outrageous examples is...well...prejudice. And prejudice is wrong, whether it comes from the left or right, the evangelical Christians or the Catholics or the Jews or the Muslims or us secular humanists. Or, for that matter, from African-Americans who hate whites, and vice versa.

Personally, I wanted "Brokeback Mountain" to win as best picture. I, too, smell a whiff of anti-gay bias here. But it's still unfair to condemn whole groups of people for the prejudice of a few of them. (Hell, I'd vote for Republican Olympia Snow or Independent Jim Jeffords -- my favorite, of course, is still Russ Feingold -- long before I'd vote for fence-sitting, wind-sniffing DLC/Republican lites like Hillary, Kerry, et al. (and PLEASE, anyone in CT, get Joe Lieberman out of the Senate! And NOT because he's Jewish -- but because he's sucking up to the Repukes, big time!)

Again, no personal attack intended. But I think it's wrong to accuse progressives, as a group, of being anti-gay. We aren't.

Barbara Lee (Barb) Blazyk
Athens, GA ("Oh, Canada!")

(Remember: this is my rebuttal which was NOT published in Buzzflash's mailbag!)

Date: March 25, 2006

Re: So we progressives are anti-gay?? Think again.

Ms. Blazyk's failed critique of my decrying the foot-dragging and negligence of all liberal factions regarding gay rights, is a typical smear by self-proclaimed "true" liberals, that only serves to further marginalize and trivialize the plight of sexual minorities.

For one, it is obvious she does not even BOTHER to read one friggin' gay newspaper (online OR off). Else, she'd totally AGREE with my outraged position. I like to joke that we queers could announce a global revolution (and overthrow) of our heterosexist overlords, right there on the front pages of our own gay rags...and since even "liberal" breeders never READ our papers, they'd remain CLUELESS up to the day of Ultimate Victory when homosexuals rule over all.

For two, she TRIVIALIZES the extent of homophobia in our present state of affairs. If gay hatred were simply the force of a straggling FEW, we wouldn't now have the entire DEMOCRATIC PARTY dropping the gay rights issue, for fear of losing the upcoming 2006 and 2008 elections.

As to her comment re. Brokeback Mountain: "I, too, smell a whiff of anti-gay bias here."

A whiff? JUST a whiff? The dang story OPENS with an extremely VIOLENT incident of gay bashing unto death...and ENDS with the implication of same.

In essence, the most powerful message in that movie above all others, is that "gay love equals tragedy": queers get the loneliness, grief, terrorism and death they deserve!

You call THAT a whiff? Whatsamatter: you have no olfactory nerves? I call that a BIG, STINKIN' PILE OF HOMOPHOBIC DUNG! Of course, smarmy "pro-gay" liberals are doting all OVER this film, which ulterior motive is to APPEAR gay friendly while remaining uninterested at best.

Yes, and our "progressive" President Clinton signed the notorious DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act): the most egregious piece of homophobic bigotry EVER passed by a sitting prez! Really, DOMA is a cloak for justifying a gay pogrom...in that it actually means that we queers are a serious THREAT to Hetero Amerikan Family Values. Else why create a national law in hetero DEFENSE?

DOMA opened the doors for the Republicans/Fascists/Fund ies to INCREASE gay bashing by now being able to point their fingers at a "progressive" Democrat (Prez Clinton) who also sees homosexuals as a threat.

Due to society's sexphobia--with homosexuals representing the GREATEST offense (even worse than raping/murdering a woman)--we homosexuals are in a uniquely horrid position from which to seek our liberation. For unlike all other minorities, we have no base support from family OR church. And these two factions have been TANTAMOUNT towards the success of all other civil rights issues.

Thirdly, it still REMAINS a fact, that in over 90% of Amerika's map, gays continue to live under a reign of terror 24/7. The remaining 10% have better odds of some semblance of a decent life...but it's still akin to a crap shoot or a lottery. For even in Gay Mecca where I've lived since 1973, anti-gay hatred and bashing is as prolific as anywhere else.

I therefore STRONGLY disagree with her claim that "it's wrong to accuse progressives, as a group, of being anti-gay. We aren't."

Oh yes you are! Ignorance of the Gay Truth is no excuse. I suggest you, Ms. Blazyk, incorporate in your obviously DAILY reading of progressive news, one or two GAY news sources...before blathering your ignorance, thus costing more innocent gay lives. Here are several:

Bay Area Reporter
http://www.ebar.com/

Washington Blade Online
http://www.washblade.com/

Planet Out
http://www.planetout.com/pno/...

Gay Wired
http://www.gaywired.com/daily...

These are all online sources. That way, you won't have to embarass your liberal friends by displaying a QUEER newspaper on your coffee table, alongside Mother Jones, Ebony, The Nation, and Rolling Stone.

A true warrior of the streets, Woody has shown relentless courage under the face of long-term, constant fire. Earth is blessed by your presence! Mazel tov!

To see more of my button art, click here.

Though a self-made gay activist, I rarely visit our bars. That's because I'm a (batik) dyed-in-the-wool left-wing counterculture pothead hippie-dippie non-alcohol/non-hard drug wholesome left-wing radical street-wise pagan and anthropo-politico-faggot. And as all my readers surely know by now, we lefties are an endangered species in all minorities of any stripe! In fact we've been mostly gutted out except for a few tough stragglers like myself, bravely carrying a sputtering torch that is the Spirit of the Sixties...particularly, the LGBTQ Spirit born thereof.

But see how crippled and dysfunctional our beloved community has become, by taking this rude swing to the Right? Now, all you losers come whimpering back home to us loyal commies, begging forgiveness and your return to a warm hearth and loving souls.

But every several years or so, I go into my "bar cycle"...this time, South of Market's "Hole in the Wall" on Eighth Street near Folsom. Expecting--as usual--to sit alone in my daydreams, enjoying the (non-disco/non-hiphop) brilliant collections of authentic rock in its various genres. Plus the occasional operetta. (By the way, I don't drink alcohol much, so I usually nurse a cup of coffee...really, just an excuse to hang out. I am 95% teatotaler.)

I had visited this bar in a previous cycle two years ago, and found it pleasant enough. But, this time around, I'm like: WHOAAAAA! So I fall in love with this hot item called "Larkin", who is 41 but looks 28: very tall (maybe 6-1/2?) lanky darkly-red haired, handsome rogue of an Irishman. He's the star of the place, and I sure can see why! (What's gotten into me?)

Larkin plays a hot game of pool (and those sexy moves that bring on the drool), and puts so many smiles on so many faces of our older gay brothers, most of whom suffer AIDS or equally immune-damaging ailments. He is so funny, so witty, makes so many folks laugh their arses off...I am literally stunned at this remarkable youthful man: a REAL "man" in every best possible sense of that word!

He has such a compassionate and humorous outreach to so many! These men who are dealing with nerve-wracking life and death issues every single day, day in and day out, nonetheless look forward to another day of life because of:

Larkin.

His loving friendship to me in the few weeks I've been there can only be compared to a Knight in Shining Armor. He has so many wonderful gay souls under his wing, that I can't believe he had the time and energy to also shelter me...who is blessed to be free of AIDS, cancer, or anything else. I am 55 and in excellent health, still (despite my loss of medical and dental insurance), thanks to the pagan wisdom I've acquired in regards to self-healing and prevention. (And never messing with hard drugs or too much alcohol.)

Larkin is a great party mixer! He is very sociable with everyone, young and old, male and female (and in between), and is also a most excellent bouncer when need be. Yet he does this of his own devotion, his own will, and lives in a humble room paid by a humble job in the tacqueria next door. What's wrong with this picture?

Well, Larkin is so funny and such a great all-around guy, he could be very well paid at gay events and parties. Or how about hiring him to bring happiness to AIDS and other patients suffering deadly diseases? He'd also make a most excellent big brother for troubled young adults.

This man is so talented, I can't believe Hole in the Wall has been able to keep him secret for so long. Here, I thought I was San Francisco's Best Kept Secret (since I am after all, "Jehovah's Queer Witness")...but I must pass on that crown to this most outstanding and gracious gay man among all gay men:

Larkin.

I think--now that I've let the cat out of the bag--the only way the bar owner can keep Larkin from being whisked off by a talent scout, thus losing more than eighty percent of his customers resulting in the bar's shutting down after all these years:

The owner should put him on the payroll, with a living (not minimum) wage, complete with quality health and dental insurance.

For this bodacious dude of dudes, Larkin, has been entertaining for free, for years, at Hole in the Wall...and he remains the main draw for anyone to hang out there! In spite of all the excellent bartenders who already work there. I think it is selfish of our affluent patrons to not already have arranged for Larkin to be a professional party mixer at least several times a month! They want to keep him all for themselves, like a bird in a gilded cage...but instead of a bird, it's Larkin (a human being), and instead of a cage, it's the Hole in the Wall (a gay biker bar)!

I found a most wonderful treasure for our community, in Larkin. He has done--and continues to do--so much good for so many with AIDS and other difficult issues (including those restful breaks of sanity in these virulently homophobic times). It is my wish that our Queer Family give due recognition and honors to this incredible, unsung hero. As a spiritual counselor for my gay buddies on the streets, I have learned a thing or two about identifying a true hero. And Larkin is outstanding in that department, as well as in every other!

At fifty-five, I guess I ought to consider myself yet one more aging queer who's found shelter and warmth under Larkin's great wings. Thank you Larkin, for being the magnanimous guardian angel that you are, for so many! You have brought incredible happiness to my own heart, for the good man you are. Watching you work a room is pure magic!

Coffee and Larkin: it doesn't get any better than this. Thanks, wonderful buddy!

Most sincerely,

Ezekiel Joseph Krahlin (San Francisco)
President and Founder of the Larkin Fan Club