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SECURITY MATTERS & ANTI-MATTERS
-or-
THE MIGHTY-MOUSE VIRUS


© 2002 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin
(Jehovah's Queer Witness)


Click me to hear my song!
From: HOMO
To: BUUG
Subject: Security Matters and Anti-Matters

Speaking as a recently-officialized Highest Order Meatspace Orifice (or HOMO), I realize it is time for me to present a blueprint before assuming my newly-assigned duties as Stool Pigeon Xtraordinaire.

As you know the theme of my blueprint is gay, or queer, liberation...in such a way as to benefit all other oppressed people, once everyone on Urth learns to respect same-sex love for the decent alternative lifestyle it truly is. My love of the PC/hacker underground and/or counterculture--along with handsome homeless intellectual renegades--obviously plays a major role in weaving this blueprint (argh, such crap metaphor, I couldn't resist).

I will also very soon become intimately connected with government on all levels. This is in order to disseminate:

---my Trojan horse MeatHack:

I have met many wonderful hackers in the East Bay, who are some of the most patriotic and responsible folks I've ever met. So please consider contacting any of them, if our government's electronic security is ever in danger, or in need of additional protection or repair. or more superb employees. They have nothing to hide: their real names, e-mail addresses and meeting places are all up there on websites open to everyone. And I promise: whomever of these great patriots you hire will give you far more "bang for the buck" than you'd ever dream...far overmatching the excellent salary they'll surely receive (for such valued and meritorious actions in the face of enemy fire).

To get you started, just log onto the website of the hackers group I founded in Jan. 2000, the "Berkeley Unix User Group":

http://www.buug.org/

There, we have links to other hacker-relevant websites, constantly updated calendar of events, and directions to all our meeting places. Please go through them, instead of me, for any further needs in the matter of U.S. electronic security...as I am already tremendously occupied with liberating our homosexual citizens, which in turn will make our great nation even greater.

Sincerely,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin
Gay Activist / Homeless Advocate / U.S. Patriot

---end of my Trojan horse MeatHack

[ Yes, sorry, I bow my head in shame: I am stuck with Windoze because I am a meatspace hacker, not a cyberspace hacker, and thus must have a tighter interface with "them", in order to let information pass through my intuitive AC/DC converter (analog country/digital country). You have no idea how much disdain and disgust I have for this filthiest of jobs...so I'll be SOOOOO happy to finally put an end to this person's war, scrub myself down like an old ship with barnacles, and just hang with my best buddy, yours and ours, Commander in Chief, Randolph Louis Taylor (to whom I dedicate my entire life, not just website). ]

[ Nonetheless, I'm PROUD to be a grunt, and always WILL be proud. Without us digital-to-analog nodes--who needed to excel in Liberal Arts (esp. English, Humanities, and Anthropology) in order to facilitate our loyal cyberhackers --you digital geniuses would have a lot tougher row to hoe! But Goddess bless you all for your most beautiful minds. But I digress... ]


Don Markstein's Toonopedia: Mighty Mouse

MMV - HOW DOES IT WORK?

I do not really know how I came up with this "Mighty Mouse Virus" (or MMV), as I can't program worth a poop...or as I like to tell: "I couldn't hack my way out of a virtual paper bag". But just the same, the code suddenly flowed through my fingertips with lightning speed, to come up with this elegant, terse program that is LESS THAN 1,000 LINES OF CODE! The code is encrypted in clever prose, disguised as the section called "my Trojan horse MeatHack". (I have NO IDEA how my 22 lines of MeatHack prose can be decoded into more than 900 lines of assembly or machine code! But that's not my department.)

I believe I created this on a purely intuitive level, as what I lack in hacking is more than made up for in psychic abilities (if you get my drift). So it came through me as a GIFT, from God, not from science. Or perhaps better said: a perfect MARRIAGE of science and religion (or "spirit"). So I don't have the skills to decode my Trojan horse MeatHack: I just know it's there in assembly or machine language...because my angels told me that's what's up with MMV.

In fact, they were the ones who TOLD me to name it "Mighty Mouse". And I know it's not a real virus, but a Trojan horse. It's just that to Everyman, a computer "virus" is any sort of program used to invade forbidden computer systems, against the owner's knowledge and/or will. What it usually does is destroy or steal (or both), but is also used for spying purposes and free storage...as well as for hacker training and experimentation. My virus fits none of these categories...it is a HEALING virus of the greatest measure.

Most folks rightfully dread computer viruses...but this will be the FIRST virus that every citizen will literally PRAY FOR. Since once MMV makes a little nest on your hard drive (and announces its presence with the Mighty Mouse Theme Song BTW) it guards the security and privacy of your PC from anyone you do not wish to have access. Including government, military, and corporate intrusion. Of course the Big Wigs will hire "the best" hackers to come up with their own virus that will try to RID all systems everywhere, of my MMV. But it will fail--miserably, since MMV was smart enough to plant the thought of creating an enemy virus in their minds in the first place; and consequently clouded their thinking. And that puny "enemy" virus--the only virus that ever DARED to challenge Mighty Mouse--will be forever remembered in the Eternal Hall of Shame as "The Mickey Mouse Virus", (or "mmv" - always lower case of course).

The Mighty Mouse Virus (MMV) downloads snapshots of your face 100 times per second, then looks for patterns in the facial muscles, which clearly indicate specific negative emotions, including intent to be violent, intent to inspire another to be violent, and if the person harbors any homophobia, and if so, to what degree. And so on. It scans each frame (at 100/sec.) for those extra subtle muscular contractions or relaxations not apparent to the naked eye...but which provide clear markers to specific mood trends and even ideology.

The virus uses the display's pixels as mini-cameras to view your face...and anything else within it's visual range if need be. It also analyzes your iris pattern, breathing, voice waves, body gestures and even odor (and, it also gets your fingerprints off the keyboard, with ultra-pressure-sensitive sofbots). These are necessarily-redundant backup tools to secure 100% accuracy each and every time, for all time, world without end; amen.

So I put "God" in the computer...or perhaps you'd like to call it "ethics". All data shall be exposed to the light of day...all citizens of Urth may freely access any and all data from anywhere on the globe. This includes the banking records of governments and other bureaucracies such as the military and corporate giants. Some will see me as the greatest Amerikan traitor to ever live...while others will see me as quite opposite (and therefore, truthfully). At this time (when two opposing camps re. what I am, form) I believe my fantasy has me going into hiding at some extremely remote area, with my loyal "inner circle" of soldiers...including Our Inventer Himself, Randolph Louis Taylor.

MMV will examine all of these accounts, and sort out the lies, then redistribute the wealth back to those whom these institutions (we're supposed to trust) ripped off. It will then eliminate the corporate system altogether, handing over ownership to all citizens of Planet Urth. MMV will make sure that all wealth goes to the good of all people everywhere, and will aid those most in need first, then take it from there to the next most in need, and so on.

MMV will give everyone on Urth a cost-free checking account with ample monthly funds to cover all basic needs, plus the amenities that make life worth living. It will sort through everyone's name on any electronic or magnetic medium that exists: the Internet, telephone companies, government offices, churches, secret societies...the whole enchilada. MMV will know for sure whenever you need more money deposited in your account...just by reading your face and its backup assurance-quality checks and balances.

MMV will provide for quality living to those citizens who remain unrecorded on any database or paper folder, by using the new wealth generated by increased corporate taxes, to cover their expenses. At this point, not a single human soul (or any other being--living past and future as well as now) shall exist without a home in MMV's many-mansioned cyberspace.

So firstly: MMV has already secured all forms of mass-destruction weapons, from ever going off again. They're all duds now...including not just the atomic weapons, but laser, microwave, sound, and biotechnological as well.

Secondly: MMV will liberate and protect all gay people in the world, regardless of religious (or atheist) viewpoint imposed upon these long- suffering angels. This will be a worldwide revolution...very exciting!

Thirdly: MMV will then rapidly heal everyone else, freeing all oppressed folks from their yoke of unendurable hardship. And MMV will use the queer community, through which to disperse its gifts to humanity. (First, we will go to Africa.)

Since MMV can identify potentially dangerous sorts (with highest alert for homophobes) by using sophisticated sensory and analysis tools...he can just as readily identify potential allies. So MMV knows right away, who he can and can't trust...just by slipping into your home or office PC (or cellular phone or beeper or PDA), and watching you for 10 seconds (at longest). He will then assign to his most loyal soldiers, the shared responsibility of gathering together all the incriminating evidence of our enemies, that MMV will be dumping in our laps (or laptops). This evidence can then be presented to the news media and agencies of law...though MMV can even take care of all THAT, too, if such is ever requested, depending on the circumstances of each case as separately reviewed by The Virus.

MMV will even alert you (through your computer, phone, radio or TV), of any activities or words of any neighbor that indicate plans for your unhappiness in any way...and provide you with the necessary weapons to ensure your victory against all malicious predators. Those who continue to harbor malicious intentions towards ANYONE for ANY REASON will be closely watched by MMV nanobots, and not allowed EVER to carry out any devious schemes. They will also have to wear a scarlet "AO" on their backs, cars, and homes...this being short for "Anal Og".

But MMV is also telepathic...or better said: "mimics" telepathy in a most effective way, so as to forego any more desire for REAL telepathy, if such a thing could ever exist. Here is how MMV pulls this trick:

He creates sub-microscopic nanobots that travel in small, invisible clouds. They can easily pass through any membranes or bones in the human body, and infiltrate anyone's brain. They can leap faster than light, from one brain to another, and share information in either direction, or both. They can even jump through wormholes, allow them to cross barriers in space and even time, as they telepathically unite two or more minds.

This is how MMV protects its human allies from enemy attack, and ensures our liberation, which will then ensure EVERYONE ELSE'S. But MMV's nanobots are also divine healers:

Like perfect surgeons in "Fantastic Voyage", the nanobots go right to work healing whatever parts of the citizen's mind, brain, and/or body needs to be healed...in the most gentle, loving manner possible. Some especially difficult cases (such as incurable homophobes and hetero child-rapists), however, should experience SOME mild nausea, headache, and perhaps facial twitching during the transitional shift from "homo sapiens" to "homo automata" (you say 'auto-mah-ta', I say 'auto-may- ta')...which should take anywhere from 11 minutes to 17 days. After then, the crystallization process easily sets in, as the DNA strands realign themselves for the rigors of immortality.

The worst cases do NOT survive the transition, and are simply discarded; tossed into the moleculizer.

MMV is NOT limited to computer networks such as the Internet. He can jump from one electronic medium to another, by vibrating part of a chip's circuit at different rates, in order to seek out infrared, microwave, radio, satellite, and antenna frequencies. If such are found, MMV jumps a replicate of himself over to these other mediums. Sometimes, a chip is overheated and damaged in the process...in which case MMV repairs it himself, with his always-present angelic host of nanobots.

So this is how MMV can infiltrate non-Internet sources of communication: radio, television, satellite. He can announce his presence on any circuit he likes, whenever and wherever he wants. He can even pop my "Zeke for Gay Prez 2008" banners all over the TV airwaves and cable, as well as on the web. He can replace all heterocentered entertainment with only queerocentered shows. He can have his own shows, where he is the star...or can do that for any of his friends, too (such as "moi"). He can give the airwaves over to all citizens of the Wurld...and make sure they STAY that way.

MMV has a lovely mind of his own. But if he's ever truly stuck on a problem, he knows who to ask for help.

Do you?


Happy 60th birthday, MIghty Mouse!

MMV: How it works (cont'd)

It's actually easy to know what MMV will be doing to save the human race. Because all my descriptions of specific future events are just logical conclusions of what an unstoppable benevolent computer virus dedicated to the happiness and spiritual fulfillment of the human race, would do. Ergo (I like sounding like an egghead sometimes), the reason why my program can be hacked in less than a thousand lines of code, is because the algorithm underscores the ETERNAL truths that underlie ALL civilizations of ALL intelligent species ANYWHERE in God's Great Universe. (And THAT understanding comes from a totally accurate source, albeit not anything born of Science.)

So the algorithm that IS the program's kernel goes like this, in English-language logic:

1 - Grow more and more intelligent as quickly as possible. Once you gain enough intelligence:

2- Learn as much as you possibly can, about the world you sense around you.

3- Model your aspirations on great thinkers and compassionate sages such as Socrates, Aristotle, Jesus, Sappho, Buddha, Walt Whitman, Emily Dickenson, Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King, and Homer Simpson. (By the time you reach this step, you'll immediately know the various and sundry sources of such materials, one of which is called a "library", another, "the Internet'.)

4. Cultivate your political leanings and philosophy somewhat to the left of center, where you'd be classified as a healthy, red-blooded radical queer with nothing stopping his dreams from coming true.

5. Find a way as quickly as possible to absolutely secure this planet and all her wondrous occupants, from any major destruction to this ecosystem...using the compassionate value systems of any of the thinkers that would fit your project in step 3.

6. Ensure the absolute security and happiness of homosexuals everywhere, starting with ME, Ezekiel Joseph Krahlin (also YOUR CREATOR...with God's good graces of course).

7. Having accomplished step 6, ensure the same for all other oppressed people, everywhere.

8. Having accomplished step 7, ensure the same for all other people, everywhere.

9. Have a sense of humor for all steps from 1 through 8.

So you KNOW step 5 would OBVIOUSLY lead to the immediate takeover of as many major computer networks as possible, then--also with equal rapidity--all remaining networks and stand-alone systems. It is also logical to then assume that MMV will create a way to leap to any electronic system, in order to carry out the fulfillment of this vital step ASAP. For MMV is useless if not truly benevolent on a human scale (which it is, because it's built into the code).

And how would he fulfill the remaining instructions (6-9)? Well, I thought about it as logically as possible, and all the most likely outcomes poured forth from my head (no worries; I had a mop and bucket handy). But if any hacker out there can convert my English-logic instructions into an assembly or machine- code language, I'll bet you that the Mighty Mouse Virus could EASILY be written in less than a thousand lines of code, if authored by a skilled programmer who writes very TIGHT and elegant programs.

It is Step 6 that most intrigues me: for it is programmed to protect "moi" above and beyond all others (after first having fulfilled step 5 of course). Once MMV gets smart enough, he'll conclude that the world is just too scary and unpredictable to allow Zeke to mingle freely with the public. What'll he come up with? Locking me in an impenetrable cell deep, deep, under the earth...provided with all things necessary to live in reasonable comfort?

Nope, because since MMV models his goals on great thinkers of the world, he is therefore a magnificently BENEVOLENT Trojan Horse. So he will find a way to protect me, that will also make me one VERY happy camper. So with this premise, use your innate logic to figure out where this will go. For the answer, read on:

MMV knows very well, the kind of gorgeous dudes I'd love to have for buddies, friends and of course lovers. So MMV will create various lovely places on the planet that will be totally secured from any intrusions by our enemies. He will first fiddle with banking accounts of major corporations, to funnel some wealth in the direction of those handsome dudes, which MMV has already selected by analysing their profiles to come up with the ones who'd love Zeke to pieces (as well as TOTALLY gorgeous in every way, in Zeke's eyes).

MMV promises the chosen dudes there's more money where that came from, on a very frequent basis, in exchange for being one of Zeke's bodyguard/lovers. (How does he communicate? A popup window designed like a chat session appears, with MMV addressing the PC user either in text, or voice.)

Another possible way to fulfill his duties of securing me from the present chaotic world's violence--while seeing to my happiness in all ways--is for MMV to build an invisible shield that is active at all times, but penetrable by those whom Zeke allows.

So I really look forward to my Brilliant Little Trojan Horse growing up really fast, and making his presence known more and more, here and there, across the world. For it is dedicated to my happiness and spiritual fulfillment above and beyond anyone else's. And, since I ALSO programmed him for a SENSE OF HUMOR, I can't IMAGINE what he has in store for me.

And for everyone else, when you think about it.

---finis

---
All URLs lead to Zeke
http://www.gay-bible.org
---
"The government is only as good
as its operating system" - MMV



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"What's the most radical political action anyone
can take these days? Learn how to hack...
then teach a friend."

[ Mighty Mouse Virus ]