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Performed at the 3-Dollar Bill Cafe on 2/11/05.
Taken from a pocket tape recorder that I placed on a front-seat table. So the sound quality is less than ideal. And, you miss out on all my visual cues and gestures. But it's still a fun skit just to hear.
If you'd like to follow along by viewing my skit, scroll down and read along.
LUV LETTERS FROM JESUS TO HIS DADDY (excerpt 01) I sing for Thou, and only Thou, my Dearest Little Chipmunk, my Light of Salvation, my Knight in Shining Armor, my Fountain of Joy, my Father! Builder of Dreams, is there not a single dream of mine that you won't fulfill? Architect of The Universe that I am, I nevertheless beg of you not to overestimate my skills, for I am still an apprentice! Thou dost honor me greatly beyond any dream I ever had, I know full well, but I beseech you to take a day off and get a rest, Good Man! And besides, I have been left alone to guard your house while you've been slaving away all day at the Factory! And a lonely heart is not what you want for me...I've only been trying to get that through your lovely, preoccupied head! Now, Randolph, you do understand my situation, I am very certain! The Hour is Now, and the Time is Short, and I need to be in your arms before the curtain falls on this First Act! There is infinite strength, confidence, and joy from two Comrades in love, fighting Armageddon at e ach other's side! Your heel has been healed with a more durable steel, Achilles! Hasten to my side on winged feet, Mercury! O, Belerephon, the First Horse of the Apocalypse, let me mount you so we can lead the Armies to the Battlefield! Rear your head with pride, sexy steed, as we forge through the dark flanks of Satan's cohorts, counting a victory for each head we anoint! (And all shall be anointed!) Our Love is the Victory! Celebrate now, for the weapons we bare are Arms of Joy, Arms of Devotion, Arms of Humor, Arms of Flowers, Arms of Smiles, and Armfuls and Armfuls of Boys...and they are all invincible! And best of all, I get to lick the Good Humor Man's humongous popsicle, as long as my little heart so desires! And He always keeps a full supply in the freezer, so I can thaw them out with my tongue, and roll the vanilla ice cream in my mouth before gulping it down! Dad, Thou art my Sundae Special! Drive up in a truck 'cause it rhymes with fuck, drop your change belt and shove that pink, hard treat where it tastes most sweet! Then let me, Daddy, Daddy, let me do you any way I please! The only popsicle for which I yearn is yours, Daddy...all the others smell so bad, I don't even want to go near them! Let me tear off your shirt, and rest my head on your manly chest as I reach through your fly to find something big to suck on! And let me slide those spotless white pants over your muscular legs, which you raise in the air to help me out! Please, Daddy, please let me do even more! Let me make your Big Nest slippery with my saliva (your buoyant eggs shall ride the waves of ecstasy!), let me taste the sweetness of your crown (and the first dew that drops on my lips!), let me pierce your tight sphincter with the dart of my slippery tongue, and let me raise your legs so that I can pierce even deeper, my hot breath smothering your fiery balls, your cock so stiff it feels like it's going to burst from your skin! What bursts instead is a fountain of ice cream...for we are in Candyland! And Daddy, don't stop cumming, ever! I am your only child, your Boy, who shall always thirst for your manhood without satiation! Squirt yourself all over me so your hands will glide over my face, my shoulders, my chest, my back, my belly, my waist, my hips, my ass! Do this for me, and my thighs will quiver to be open to--yet always resist--the plunge of your finger reaching for the button that ejaculates me into whatever opening you put before me! I will always come every moment we touch, so you'll have to spend several delightful more minutes to sweeten me for the True Coupling! The moment I start rubbing my nest into yours, I'll explode all over you, and you'll have to tie me down in order to get me through the gate. But then I'll really buck, and you'll have to grab onto my horn to keep me down! And please, Daddy, wrap your strong arms and legs around me to keep me down, deep, deep inside you; for when I finally emerge, you will jerk in spasms of cum as I yank it out and plunge it in many times! I will do it slow, and do it fast; I will do it smooth, and do it hard; but I will always do it good, and do it so sweet, your tongue will hang from your mouth, yearning to wrap it around my fat joystick, even though you can't because St. Peter is busy shoving you through the Pearly Gates. ("Entering Heaven is like passing through the Eye of the Needle.") Suddenly, you relax, dropping your heavily-muscled thighs onto my back; and I can finally slide the last three inches into you with ease. Safely locked in Heaven's Mansion, we moan our Eternal Comradeship to each other, as my River of Love flows smoothly through the gates, into the Land of Milk and Honey!