Go back one page
Taken from a pocket tape recorder that I placed on a chair, onstage. So the sound quality is less than ideal. And, you miss out on all my visual cues and gestures. But it's *still a fun skit just to hear.
My onstage character is "Jehovah's Queer Witness"... and the premise is that I'm God's son and lover, who has returned to earth, and decided to make himself known this time, by popping up here and there as a not-so-excellent standup queer comic. Knowing this, adds to the enjoyment of the skit.
Personally, it was one of the most incredible experiences in my life. I'll be on cloud 9 for quite a while. I consider my new comedian personna as merely (but wonderfully) the latest aspect of my gay activism.
First time I've been featured in a bill. See my name? Yippee!
The set I performed that night, included my trademark
ballad, "Jesus Has A Web Page", followed by this :
THE GAY SUICIDE COMIC|
(a 5-minute skit)
JQW (Put your wings on as you speak):
Hey, my Daddy Yay-ho-VAH really spoils me. Gives me all kinds of great opportunities before I even think of them! Why, just before my present incarnation (as you now see me), Ol' Big Dick said to me:
"Son, I'm gonna make you a world famous queer activist, but your breakthrough won't happen till you're middle aged...after your many years on disability doing your good works on the streets for your homeless and otherwise disenfranchised gay brothers...and authoring the Final Testament on a new technology called the Internet...and starting a new career as a standup comic."
So I said: "Okay, Dad, you go girl...let's do it!...What's an Internet?"
"That's to be a surprise, son, you'll get it in due time."
Yes, God DOES show favoritism. So I like to even out the playing field, and give my good buddies a break. Now, I have one buddy who's just ITCHIN' to be on stage. So tonight, I'm gonna step somewhere off in the wings, and give him his break, so...
Let's give it up for The Suicide Comic...The GAY Suicide Comic. He only does this show once, folks! So be sure to laugh at every one of his jokes; or he might kill himself before the set's done.
(Mimic audience-roar as you put on the ski mask.)
Hey, this is my first time ever on a stage, dudes...dudettes!
Laundromats. Don't get me started! What is it with these funny dials on the new washing machines. It looks like it's pointing to "hot", when it's really pointing to "cold"! Doesn't a red dot that's LIT UP supersede a white lever, always? I thought so, but silly me...NO!
Hey, that's funny. (Points at someone.) Why aren't you laughing? (Gestures that he might pull out a gun and shoot himself.) Maybe life isn't worth the trouble. (Gestures.) Maybe YOU'RE not worth the trouble. (Gestures...looks around accusingly.)
See? (Points to someone laughing.) He knows I'm funny, damn right! This guy's got real class...doesn't need ME to prove I can make him laugh. His keen intuition already INFORMS him I'm a funny guy...in fact, maybe the funniest guy in all the universe! At least, that's what the latest polls say. I don't need to do anything for an audience like that: just stand here being my beautiful self. You're not the best audience I've ever had, you know! In fact, you're all pretty sucky, except this guy here...I'll let him deep-throat my Midnight Special whenever he wants!
Hey peoples, lighten up. (Worried look.) This is funny stuff! (Looks around in apprehension, pulls out his gun and shoots himself.)
Okay, folks, he finished his set prematurely. Shame on you, for not laughing at all his great jokes! What's wrong with you people? Can't you see he needs some love in his pathetic life? Well, the Gay Suicide Comic is one of MY very best friends, even if he ain't yours. So being that I'm also Yayhovah's one and only SON, I'll just resurrect him, so he can finish the set.
(Looks around with growing dread:) The same friggin' audience? Waaaaahhhh! (Shoots himself again.)
Aw c'mon, show him some love folks, he's dysfunctional, raised by not just one, but TWO hetero parents! Truly a tragic childhood. (Motions "abracadaver" for another resurrection.)
(Looks around apprehensively. Starts cautiously:)
A funny thing happened on the way to the Colonic Museum. Wait, that's not right. Let me try again: A funny thing happened on the way to the HIGH Colonic Museum. That's better.
Salt and pepper shakers. Don't get me started! Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl...(makes barf gesture).
Lazy Susan. Don't get me started! What they really mean to call it is "Lazy Whore". All goes back to the "women as chattel" patriarchal ideology. Like calling a coffee machine by a stereotype Latina housemaid: Melita.
Penis envy. Don't get me started. DON'T!
Tom Cruise. Don't get me started. What the heck is he doin' with a name like "Cruise", if he's so anti-gay, anyway? Is this yet one more idiot bashing gays because his last name is kinda queer?
Gaia. Don't get me started. Mother Earth. Gaia. She's supposed to be a GODDESS for a matriarchal belief system? Hog wash...or should I say "sow" wash? Listen to that word, "Gaia": guy-uh, guy-uh, guy-uh, Guy-UH, guy-UH. That's a guy, peoples, followed by an abbreviated "duh". So not only is God male, he's a dude!
Laundromats. Don't get me started. (Looks around with growing apprehension, shoots himself again.)
Okay, folks that was the Gay Suicide Comic. Thanks for letting my good buddy do his very first (and only) show ever! He only does this number once per lifetime! He'll be back in his next incarnation, to do this again, I promise. But will you?