How To Write Your Own Obituary

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How To Write Your Own Obituary
01.07.08 (1:52 am)   [edit]

Start with some good-grade vodka and favorite juice or soda. Add to the mix some righteous ganja (such as "Train Wreck" or "Purple Haze"). When properly soused and/or demented, begin the composition of your demise. Like so:

The Death of a Great Gay Activist

On 5 January 2008 at 4:15am, Ezekiel Joseph Krahlin passed away peacefully in his childhood home located in North Massapequa, Long Island. Complications of a head wound, which he originally thought was non-threatening, resulted in a fatal aneurism nine days later. (Enclosed is a recent photo, depicting his wound.) I am sorry to say that his latest mission as a gay activist and soldier was temporarily thwarted, as a result. Investigations are proceeding, and per Zeke's request, I want to record for posterity, the main suspect:

Bicycling drug dealer name of "Chris" who is approx 6-feet-2-inches tall, blond and very well stacked (though with an ample butt that recently has increased to adipose proportion)...around 38 years old, and frequents the Castro, Church Street corridor and Dolores Park, as well as South of Market. His REAL first name is "Peter," his last name I do not recall (though he showed me once, on his plastic ID). Christian hypocrite that he is, he attends the 10am weekly Sunday Mass at the Mission Dolores historical church, along with street thug "Joker" who regularly terrorizes the local neighborhood with his violent tirades up and down the Church Street corridor.

You may read Zeke's account of his attack at the following two web pages:

Cold-Cock / Hard Cock

Lord of the Drug Rings

Ezekiel's greatest claim (per his own declaration as he lay dying), is the revelation of a deadly cult that has devastated the San Francisco gay communtiy since 1985. He asks that all good gay readers of this obituary be alerted to his Terrible Conclusion by referring you to his unfinished opus "Steal This Blog".

Composed of TWO seperate books ("The Larkin Chronicles" and "Friendly Ghost Detective Agency"), it reveals a most demonic subterfuge of our beloved LGBT community, which has been a MAJOR detriment towards the fulfillment of Queer Liberation. And points the finger at HARVEY MILK HIMSELF, for paving the way for this violent and deranged cult, which Zeke labels "The Disciples of the Zodiac Killer."

This is an extraordinary accusation, which many readers will revolt against on a gut level. But due to Zeke's most heartfelt pleas on his deathbed, one MUST consider his words with respect, and hold judgment until AFTER reading his two most insightful novels.

Zeke Krahlin has been one of our most devoted gay activists for MANY years (since 1973 in fact, when he first arrived in SF homeless), with little or NO regard or recognition by the Gay Community Elite...which he ACCUSES of being in cahoots with the aforementioned cult! Among the numerous renowned gay activists, Zeke is SOLELY responsible for the MANY victories Our Community has enjoyed in the last decade or so. Without ANY acknowledgment by those in the Queer Power Clique. How can Zeke make such a bold claim? Simply because his innovative ideas for gay suffragism which he's posted to Usenet groups since 1997 have been lifted by other (celebrated) gay activists who claimed these ideas as their own!

Zeke simply wishes that you read "Steal This Blog" for yourself, that you may come to your own intelligent he considers that opus his GREATEST achievement to date. He died with a satisfied grin on his mug, and being the extremely WITTY man he is, expired this final word to those closest and most beloved to him (including his brother Sandy):




posted by: ZekeBlog (reply)
post date: 01.07.08 (9:52 am)

So last night I e-mailed my obit to the Bay Area Reporter AND the S.F. Bay Times, signed "Airen J. Kells". Included my phone number for verification. Are we having fun yet?

posted by: soulsought (reply)
post date: 01.07.08 (9:57 pm)

I can easily see the B.A.R. supplementing their photo obit page with it. And it's a hoot, because due to the lack of a real community, none of the dizzy readership will write in to deny it or call them on it. Especially if it's not a very clear photograph.

Foghorn Betza will bray away, but no one listens to him anyway.

(that line of truth is almost poetry)

posted by: ZekeBlog (reply)
post date: 01.07.08 (10:25 pm)

I'd trip out all over the place, if EITHER paper published my pseudo-obit! Foghorn is now in on my secret...he's highly intrigued, to the point where, instead of blowing my cover, he'll visit certain bars and report back to me. In fact, he's been doing that for some weeks now. Seems I've created a fascinating adventure that some people can't resist getting caught up in, and play spy for me.

posted by: ZekeBlog (reply)
post date: 01.14.08 (7:31 pm)

Regarding the update: I almost MISSED it, 'cause when I couldn't find my own letter, tossed the paper aside...never noticed the tiny bon mot in the lower right. Few days later while doing laundry and bored out of my, er, SKULL, I flipped through the S.F. Bay Times once more, and the bold-print "Zeke" popped out at me. Laughed so hard, had to step out to catch my breath. Well done, editor, well done!

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