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Permission granted by author for anyone to distribute this
writing free of charge (including translation into any
language)...under condition that no profit is made therefrom,
and that it remain intact and complete, including title and 
credit to the original author.

Ezekiel J. Krahlin

WAYNE & JANE (a spoof in 3 parts)
(A True Tale From The Castro. Eat your heart out, Armistead!)

© 2003 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin

================PART 1:

From: Ezekiel Krahlin 
To: Wayne Saturday 
Received: 03/03/03  04:40 pm
Subject: Re: Invitation from B.A.H.

On Mon, 3 Mar 2003 10:51:03 -0800 (PST) Wayne Saturday said:

Subject: Re: Invitation from B.A.H.

Hey, was there a party I wasn't invited to? :)

Have you re-started on your meds yet?

The only meds I take are coffee and marijuana (and an occasional hard
drink). Very funny, Wayne. I accept the repartee with magnanimous

Just wondering as we haven't heard many delusional rants from you as of late.

I'm afraid you missed my latest, which I sent less than 15 days ago, a
poem called "Officer 666". Sadly, some of your coworkers lack the joi de
morte necessary to appreciate my twisted comedy.

Hope all is well.

Why bless your little prostate! Certainly, I am going through so many
changes I can hardly hold my breath. Thank you so much for your letter.
You know, I hang out at The Trans4 these days, and would enjoy meeting
you or anyone else from your great newspaper, B.A.H.

BTW, "Officer 666" is now on my home page, along with much other
material. Your paper did not print my letter re. "Dec. 25: National Burn
a Homeless Shopping Cart Day". It's a long letter, but very important
IMO, because it includes praise for our local police (in the Casteroil),
and some good ideas on how to reclaim our queer community, and make it
even better, safer, and more fun than ever before. That's also on my
home page.

I surely am capable of being a humorist for your paper, say with a
regular column. If you like, we can do a trial run. I'm sure I'm up to
snuff for the task, but rejection is no problem with me, either. I know
that my success is imminent, no matter how it manifests, or which
channels I work through.

Wayne Saturday

Again, thanks much Wayne...for the good laugh, and the kind words.

SinQueerly yours,
Ezekiel J. Krahlin

Lavender-Velvet Revolution

================PART 2

From: Ezekiel Krahlin 
To: Officer Jane Wartonher 
Received: 03/08/03  02:40 am
Subject: I may be in danger (Zeke)

Hello, Officer Wartonher! Oddly enough, I found your business card on the
3rd-floor hallway carpet of my building. The following message I sent to
Wayne Saturday, as he contacted me out of the blue a few days ago, asking
how I am. (We never met, nor communicated in any way before...but more
people know about me, than I know people.) He enjoys my outrageous
letters to the editor, whether published or not...and asked how I'm
doing these days, as he hasn't seen one of my rants recently. (He just
missed my last two, mailed in the last 3 weeks, which did not get

The following information that I sent to Saturday is not personal, and
possibly will help our local police make things safer in the 'hood.
Please read when you have some time; it does involve my recent street
patrol activities:

---begin my letter to Saturday:

Hope all is well.

Now that you mention it, all is NOT well in a real sense...though my
confidence in my own achievements and beingness are ALWAYS well, and
thus I may sometimes neglect to bring up a serious issue. BTW, this will
be my last message posted to you, if you do not care to correspond this
way. I do not want to clutter your mailbox, nor impose upon you. So
here's the info:

This has to do with two bars in the Casteroil, and some nasty
people...which group dynamics flowing around me may or may not
facilitate any officers or detectives on this or that case. I have a
hunch you'd be very interested in some doings at The Pendulous and The

Until recently, I've been hanging out at the Pendulous for approx. 2
years. All the bartenders know me (and most like me, though I'm not
totally sure yet which are fake and which are true). Usually I hang out
during the afternoons (I'm pretty much a tea totaller, BTW; just go to a
bar for socializing.)

Just a week ago, Duddy (bartender and I thought a friend), took a
troublemaker customer from the patio, and sat him down a few chairs
where I was sitting, reading the newspaper. The customer--whom I only
met once before, briefly--immediately began threatening me and telling
me to shut up whenever I opened my mouth. He quickly escalated to
threaten to injure me, wielding a coffee cup in his hand, about to throw
it at my head. I hollered at Duddy further down the bar, to kick this
guy out. But Duddy only told me to not talk to him...and then blocked
the jerk from trying to injure me. 

I am very upset that Duddy did not kick him out...and that I did not
override his authority and call 911 myself. I don't know this guy from
Adam, and am upset that Duddy made it look like (to other customers)
that me and this guy were just a couple of arguing drunks...with a
statement at me, "Oh stop it, you two." Because he still did not kick
him out, I felt I must leave, and sent Duddy a letter that I will never
go to his bar again.

I believe this was a setup...which may or may not have anything to do
with a burgeoning love affair between me and another customer
(Tony)...which customer was not present. There are some intriguing
things about my relationship with Tony, which I will gladly tell, if
such would facilitate any officer that might be assigned to this bar or
area of the street. BTW, my friendship with Tony is so new, that we
haven't even exchanged phone numbers yet.

So I decided to make my new hangout The Trans4. Some folks who are
fond of me, hang out there, too. However, less than a few days pass,
before I'm accused of inciting or threatening violence. This is slander
and false witness. The person who did this is a dyke working the night
shift, when I showed up this past Tues. and Wed.

It was kinda busy when I stepped in Tues. night. The female bartender
said hi, and asked what I'd like to drink. I said berry soda...then
tried to point out a street friend outside, who will be glad to help any
gay man or woman being messed with on the streets. (This is my plan to
begin introducing my informal street patrol to the local bars.) She
suddenly yelled at me, insisting his name is not Juhnky, but Tim...when
I said "I think you have the wrong person", she exploded at me, and
refused to serve me. So I just shrugged my shoulders and left.

The next night I return to the Trans4, and that same bartender is
there. I ask for a berry soda, and then she says, "You won't make any
trouble or be violent, will you?" I said, "I have never acted that way
before, and I assure you, I never will". But then she decided not to
serve me.

Well, I thought the day shift would be okay, as it has been under
Thomas' bartending. But Vegina was there instead, though things started
out friendly. Then she asked my name; when I said "Zeke", she waved a
paper in my face, claiming that another bartender is accusing me of
violence, and that I should not be waited on.

I believe that there is a possibility of a coordinated effort by certain
nasty types out of the Pendulous, to mess with me whenever thay
that all bars in the Casteroil will be alerted about my supposed violent
manner, and thus effectively turn many people against me, which could
lead to violence AGAINST me.

As a controversial street counselor and activist, none of this is
surprising. However, I thought to inform you of these
perhaps the dynamics may give insight as to whatever suspicious
characters in these two bars are being watched by police.

My new circle of friends has been ruined by these creeps (making some
hate me, others fear me), and once more I am somewhat of a stranger in
my own neighborhood. (Not to mention some ugliness occurring INSIDE my
building, too, which also puts my life in some danger.)

Personally, I'll be alright no matter what. Thanks for reading!


Zeke Krahlin
(Sheriff of Castro Street)