© 2002 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin
(Poet Laureate of WWIII)

The Little Vampire woke up one morning, to suddenly find that he was without fangs. So he wrote this plea, and distributed it everywhere (by hand, Internet newsgroups, letters to editors, etc.). But he presented it to the bartenders of The Pendulum, first:

[2002 April 5]: Ironically (and thus, predictably) I have run out of button parts, just when I'm making this marvelous breakthrough. Is money truly filthy lucre that my Father in Heaven never wants to touch my thoughtful art? Who is going to bail me out of this predicament? I've just started a prolific creative cycle, when suddenly the button parts are gone. (Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!) Can you believe it: 51 years old and still looking for a sugar daddy? So which handsome elder gentleman out there, would love to be my patron, and set me up with the artist studio (I want to sculpt), the parties, the dinners, the tours...you know, the whole package usually reserved for such a struggling- artist-slash-budding-star as myself. (Eeeek! I can't take this "suffering, starving" personna any more. )

I have no problem with older men; I don't give a flying jackass how old you are...as long as you're built like a Greek God, I'll be quite happy, thank you. (Oh, and you younger guys--down to 25 only, please--I am certainly open to having any of you be my patron...if you're filthy rich, that is (and built like a Greek God)! Just because you suffer the disadvantage of youth, is no reason you can't apply for the position. But you shall be tested to the max (and to the fullest extent the law will allow). Opportunity drools!

Picture this: All my buttons super-sized to 12-foot diameters, 100% anatomically correct, at SFMOMA...visitors walking around them, no part of the button left out, including the gigantic pin. One of them (perhaps "I Bash Back") has the likeness of a former lover, skewered by an oversized button; and I call this piece "Ex" (Du- uuh!). Soon to be unveiled: "I Never Met A Landlord I Didn't Hate"...this being a three-button affair, for sure (assuming I can fit more than one landlord on each pin)! Move over, Alexander (the Great Greek), I have come to complete what you have left unfinished. Hail Athenia!

P.S.: Not welcome: hard drugs of any sort (as well as poppers, smart drugs and all that crap), tobacco smoke, excessive alcohol, phony men. Welcome: marijuana (buds, not leaves or--deity-forbid--shake), moderate alcohol (esp. tequila and vodka), real men. And of course:

1 rubber ducky.

---finis